of books, dreams, and songs
forget the last post! I don't care much about the sun anymore. You can't really control it anyway! freakin sun!

There are really days when you start it so badly you feel like you just can't take anything more, but then you take it all anyway. It goes on and turns out that it's not so bad after all. Your life begins to be very pleasant. The world is, for once, not against you in any way; except perhaps by providing you with animals dressed up as people who think that they can hide behind the guise of maturity and respect, and perhaps wisdom of old age, and take pleasure in explaining to you how much more intelligent they are than you, but that's besides the point! Your day looks up and you begin to think that, today might not be so bad after all. What you have wanted to happen months of your life has finally happened. You might feel that at long last, you have a grasp at understanding the complexities of relationships and relativisms.

You feel that maybe, just maybe, you can go to bed at night feeling contended and happy because of the day that you just lived. But maybe's are just maybe's. And life is not so kind. The understanding of the world vanishes from your head. And the hope that you've glimpsed in the eyes of your love disappears without so much as the blink of an eye. And you are left once again, alone, crying, and wondering how life could be so cruel. And so you promise yourself,"Never again shall I allow myself to be hurt! Never again shall anyone have such control of my feelings! Never again shall I let anyone rule me!"

And so you turn to love songs. And books. And work. And you fantasize about the life you never lived, the heart that wasn't loved, and the chances you never had. But you know down deep inside, that these can never substitute for real feelings. And the songs you sing will never have a tune until the cries of your soul will be heard. And books are just far away places that never were, meant only to give a temporary refuge, when you are most alone. You wallow in sadness at the stories and adventures, at the experience an love that you have never known. And so you are left to your fantasies. And to helping others realize the love you never did.

And tears come, and brave as you are, they do not show until you are alone...


as you always were...


as you are...


as you always will be!


===
Leaving me to doubt, talk about, God in his mercy
Who if he really does exist, why did he desert me?
And in my hour of need, I truly am indeed, alone again...
Naturally!
===

Sana kahit minsan...

but it can never be. For they have seen who they think you are.
and they have measured you. And they have weighed you.
and they have found you wanting.

for first impressions last
but last impressions
are first.