T minus 28 days and counting...

the play

last thursday, we watched a little play in the rigney hall staged by the usc theatre guild. it was a story of a closet gay who is secretly in love with a boy who fondly calls him tiyo or uncle. the story of his unrequited love is known only to his nosy, but loving confidante, julie, i think! although the story is kind of not my type. gay men and the likes, more like josie's but whatever. what i really felt was the sadness in the situation. i mean, one loves the other, giving everything, expecting nothing, always hiding, without any question, without any doubts, but the other does not know. loving from afar. its a tale of love that many can relate to. and the story really hit the spot, not only mine, but of many of the viewers, i believe. those that were not touched are either, previously engaged, or plainly unromantic. it told of a story of truth that must be told, and love that must be given.

but the sad part is, as in most cases, the love offered is unwanted, unwelcome, and even hated. despite everything that has already been set, the closeness, the bond, the friendships, it is all thrown away, just because the truth came out, and things can never be the same, hanggang dito na lamang, at maraming salamot po!

im not saying that love can be bought by way of good works and service, it is not. it can only be invited. but it is a waste of everything. the bond, the relations, the status quo.

but anyway, the truth must come out, for the bright sun will bring it to light. and people will know. why not let it come from our mouths then? said by our very own voices, from our open hearts. and maybe, just maybe, it can invite an answer. it will come out sooner or later. why not make it sooner. as soon as possible. end this charade. the sooner you move on the better. the sun grows brighter everyday. and soon, it will bring all to light.

we must all be ready.

lack of time

how do you fit all that yuo must do to a span of 24 hours? like the show 24, which is stupid, since you never see the lead guy sleeping, he is awake for 24 hours. ryt. and he still looks as good as he does? o really now? but i digress, with all that we must do, i just wonder how to fit everything. how can i fit my classess, tutorial, projects, assignments, study time, relax time, travel time, and sleep time all in one day, and still manage to stay cool and aloof, somewhat normal.

i cant. its as simple as that. i cant. thats why im prone to mood swings, laziness, and sickness. or maybe im just being defensive. or worried. but you know, either way, i dont know!

huh?!

little things

we often miss the little things in life. they're too insignificant, we always say. but if we let pass the hundreds of thousands of little things that come by us day after day, minute after minute, we lforget that they do add up to so much. so much more than any of the big things that we are so concerned of are worth. we miss out. we fail to sample the little experiences in life that mean the most. we die.

for now, i see the little things. and they are hurting me, at times. but i know that sometimes they will bring me joy. and i will savor those moments yet to come, when they come. but it doesn't take the pain of today, but at least i can hope for a happier tomorrow. and i will take this all in stride, for they are part of life. they are the things that build us, that give us character. that show who we are.

stupid people. why do you insist on putting off thinks to the last minute. dont you know tht if you do that, you have to face the consequences of your decision. if you do that, don not expect everyone else to be there and help you. damn it. if you want to learn, study! thats th only way. i cannot go on and keep repeating to you what you should already know in the first place. if i do, we wont go anywhere. but on the other hand, were not going anywhere anyway since you can never understand the next topic until you have mastered the last. that is true in anything and everything. there are no shortcuts. you cant go on and expect me to always be there at your beck and call. damn it! i have a life, no matter how little it may be. but it is my life. i cannot just throw it all away to help you because you were stupid enough to leave it all to the last minute. because you were stupid enough not to study. because you were stupid enough to come to me. but then, your stupid, thats why you wanted to be tutored in the first place.

blahblahblah.
mapada again.
seva again
what else???

what does it take to make a connection?
why cant i?
damnit!
i hate being me!

Take life one day at a time

i dont really have any other choice, do i?
the paradogy of the indicisive.

there is little difference between opposites i suppose
this i learned from one of my favorite philosophers

how do you stop yourself
from doing something that you know to be bad
when your only other option
is something which you dont wish to happen
something that you know nothing of?

how do you make yourself try
to change your status in life
when you know that there
is never really any assurance?

there is never any assurance.
and so how can i make a choice.
so will it be forever that i must stick to my third option
that which, to do nothing?

perhaps.
icant decide.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?
-or-
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest
things to say.

Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If
you do, they might
break your heart...if you don't, you might break
theirs.


Have u ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of losing what you
already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it
doesn't.

You can't tell your heart what to do.

It does it on its own.... when you least suspect
it, or even when you
don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with
everything you had, but that other person was too
afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too
afraid to care too much...for fear that the other
person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone
because your fear of rejection was too hard to
handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid...

afraid of what we don't know,
afraid of what others will think,
afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear
grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to
jump.

my stupid mouth

i have a very dangerous mouth. i assume that someone knows and i talk too much. far too much.
im really sorry. especially to you. i will just shut up now.

ice cream and fries

sit with me and talk a while.
a tub of ice cream and a little fries
thats all you ever really need to survive.
that, and great company!

the world comes crashing down, piece by piece. nothing is sure anymore, all because of my own doing. why do i bring myself to this point? is there something in me that wants to hurt myself in such a way? what?!di na gyud nako makaya ang ingon ani nga trabaho! its one problem after another. and i really dont feel like studying anymore! i mean, whats the point? were all bound to fail anyway!

well, maybe not, if i really put my self into it, but its a pretty good excuse. i mean, its is hard, maybe impossible to try your best when you really have no inclination to do so. the teachers are of no help at all, i understand none of them.
as i sit here, writing, i know that i could make my life more productive by studying for seva, mapada, or whatever. but what inspires you to do so? the need to pass? maybe! but that is incidental. one must be personally inclined to study. one of which is the realization that something good comes out of studying. i dont get that right now. plus, it hurts more to fail when you tried not to rather than knowing the fact that you are bound to fail anyway, so why bother? i dont think i can take anymore of this and still come out sane. relatively!

emotions abound. feelings too. thoughts and dreams and everything else. how does one understand onesself really? for without knowing ourselves, we are bound to remain as we are, with out progress. for what is there to progress from. how do you improve something which you cannot see, touch, smell, hear, or understand?

things are starting to come unglued. there is no stopping it now. the question now is, when will they all fall, and which ones will break?

but whatever happens, there is a little consolation:
theres always icecream and fries.

silence

words not spoken
in silence
spoke louder
silence
no talk
nothing
no life.

reference to post: feb 13, declaration


i am not saying that i am not willing to help people anymore. it is after all the epitome of life: service.

please if you have any requests of me, just tell me. if i cannot help, than at least let me find someone who can. let me be the judge of my availability to help you in your problems. after all, i will say no if i can no longer take it. i will always try to help.

read this from somewhere. its kinda interesting.

Is it a coincidence that this sort of thing happens to me all the time? Of course not. Karma brings people needing help to someone who goes out of their way to help people... the person who goes out of their way to help people "draws in" people who need help. We really DO attract into our lives people who need us or who we need... but, it ALSO brings us people who represent issues we need to resolve and lessons we need to show we've learned, so be a little careful when you meet someone and it feels like fate-there are all kinds of fate.

beginning to day... or something like it

beginning today,
i will change myself
i will change how i deal with others
i will change how i look at my life

to see the beauty in a common stone
to see the joy in the saddest gloom
to see the blessings in the midst of despair
to be at peace, at last

im getting complacent. ive lost interest in my classes. im getting ... i dont know! what?!
what is wrong with me these days! have no reason to be down. aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

i will just shut up now!



no i wont. this is by blog! who cares about you people? i will rant all i want. if you dont like it, LEAVE! i dont like you either. go, just go! leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know what im doing! i go about from day to day expecting nothing and getting nothing. what are you doing with your life man? your wasting your time! if you have nothing to give, leave the world! get what i mean?

stop the world! i want to get off! i said stoooooooooop! wala. ayaw nya! ano ba talaga! alang kwentang buhay to oh! ano ba?! malas pa sa tanang malas!



what am i talking about?! lyfs just peachy! given normal conditions, i should have been very happy. my day would be great. i should be singing songs of joy and laughter.

but i am not normal. i am not happy. i dont know why.

its just me, i guess.

chronology of madness

no speech for english.
didnt show up in two of my classes for a week.
started coming late to all my classes
not passing assignments.
failed seva.
dili colored nga printer ang gipalit sa office.
didnt finish prototype, will probably miss prototype checking on thursday.
exam on cisco today, not yet read the lesson.
have not studied yet, feeling sleepy.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

more on this next tym na lang. :)

token to those who oblige

there are those who you can really talk to in this world.
the much needed advisements so welcome in this life.
those that do not judge you for all your faults
those that put up with you.
those that you can talk to with your most private of thoughts.
they are the lamps that light the way
so we scan choose which path to take
they are treasures to behold.

thank you.

mind memos reviewed

how am I supposed to understand people if they do not let me understand? Please help me understand so I can take corrective action.
I am not good at these people business. i have absolutely no tact and skill in reading people. to understand people, i have to hear what they think from their very mouths. does this make me gullible? maybe. stupid? yes. but i have no other way.

the more you hate the more you love, the more you love the more you hate.
you know the first half. but the second part is harder to imagine. but my source says that its simply the frustration of watching someone you love do something bad despite all of your efforts to correct them. cant relate!

love is not just a feeling, it is a choice.
love is a combination of attraction and commitment. attractio in all of its aspects, bound together by a commitment to keep the attraction alive. i think so, but i don't really know! i wish i did.

how can you save others if you cant save yourself?
true. but it is often easier to see how to save a drowning man than to realize that your drowning yourself. picture this, you see a man fall off a boat in deep water, what would your reaction be? i believe mine would be to jump off after him and try to save him. but picture this? what if i dont know how to swim? or more likely, we drift too far from the ship to return? what would happen to us? its that kind of situation that could happen. often, we dont realize till its too late our mistakes. waht can i do?

temet nosce
know thyself. how?

(sic) why am i asked to make decisions when labaw na ko nga...
dont know who said this. well i think i do but anyway, why cant people just tell me what they think? i can adapt, if i know what i have to adapt to. what i cant cope is trying to understand people. i never could do that. will you just tell me what you think about me, my actions so i can figure out a possible action? please. dont be too afraid, kind, shy to tell me. i will not bite! please

if you dont try to please them and they are pleased with you, then they deserve your time.
how would you know if they are pleased with you. and what if i aim to please? i do what i do without asking for anything in return.

worry passed


worry rarely come to me. well, not really but i have noticed one peculiar phenomena: in time that i should naturally be worried, i am not, if someone is there with me who is worrying about the same thing.

should that person leave, i begin to worry about the thing that i should have been worrying about in the first place.

curious!

declaration

it has happened again. this is the second time this sem that i have helped others with their projects and we have ended up with the same one. This, for me, is i guess fine. it is inline with my doctrine of being a man of service. but it seems that it is detrimental to the group i am in.

ngano man, nga kun ako ang mutabang, mugawas man gyud nga ako ang nagtrabaho? ngano mahatag na man hinuon nako ang akong nabuhat sa ila ug mao na man pud ang mahimong ila? y is that? kabuang ra man ni nako, i know. pero i have never intended to allow my groupmates to suffer the consequences of my conduct.

i have seen the fear and anxiety in their eyes as a result to nothing they were part of. it bleeds my heart to know that they are troubled. it creates an unrest in me wherein i am forced to seek solace within myself and try to review my ever so wretched life.

kung naa man gyud gani ang makapaguol sa among grupo, let me not be the cause of that. or if ever, let me have done all i could to prevent such.

so, despite my very best of intentions to be available to all that may require me, i have mournfully decided that the line must be drawn. quarter must be given to those that matter more. simply, i am sorry to say, i can no longer help other group as before if there is a likelyhood that the company i am in bill be disadvantaged. and to those that are affected, i can only say, "im sorry. but a commitment requires adherance."

i cannot bear to see anyone suffer in my behalf, especially those that i answer to. i am just not worth it. i never could take it, i never will.

this is where i stand.

this blog was initially designed as an outlet for my un exploited thoughts. but lately i have foud that my thoughs oft become to private, even for this blog. so, i have decided tht another outlet must be found. the search for a human outlet is, i find too taxing. and so, despite that i can only log in to this site for a limited time, i would rather try to find another avenue in this form. in simple words, i have a new blog people! this time, its private. hehehe...

conversations

theres a lot to say but words are not said.
i have many words. just no one to tell them to.
it may be that it is inappropriate, inoppurtune, or ill timed.
i have words for someone in particular, and more for another.
i have words for some people.
i have words for all and none.
why is it difficult to talk to people?
at least for me.
there's always so little time,
so many people, so inappropriate
it may also be that my words are too dangerous
for me to be let about.
there are things to say at that moment.
once the moment passes, it can never be recoverd.
we can only wait until it passes again.
but by then, many things could have changed.

I'm Thinking

i'm not sleeping, i'm thinking! thoughs that are so deep, i reach a state of consciousness wherein i am indifferent to the world around me. so deep in thought that i fall into a dreamlike trance that is often misconstrued as sleeping. but i am not sleeping. although i do sleep sometimes.

fear addressed

it is often believed that fear in relationships is based on the fear of rejection. to others, this could be so, as for me, i don't think it is. i mean, i can handle rejection, that is nothing new to me. albeit i may get depressed for a while, ashamed, but i will survive. my world still turns. no, that is not the problem.

the problem for me, i believe, is that there is too much too lose. its the risk i can't take, not the rejection. i like the status quo. i can't bear to lose it. i cannot afford to lose what i have, or think i have, right now without knowing that there is something to look forward to afterward. (diba redundant?)

does the chance of bliss merit the risk of losing everything you hold dear? It is. i'm just too scared to try.

that is me. who i should not be.

psychology of the mind

the human psyche is a wondersome thing. it is hard to understand, and even harder to predict. how would you know when exactly a person is going to do what in any given situation? but it is in our great disinterest that we fail to do what is expected of us just because we don't feel like it! it is not justification enough. but what are we doing anyway? is it not for the betterment of our future? is it not so that we can enjoy our future better? but what good is enjoying the future if we cant enjoy the now? is it guaranteed that if we don't enjoy now, we enjoy in the future? ryt!


avetaw
ngano nga daghan man buhat nga ipabuhat sa ato? hinuon basin tapulan lang gyud ko! tinuod man sab na ba, tapulan man gyud ko. pero dili na nagpasabot nga makatarungan sab ni ang ilang gibuhat kanako. kung dili gyud ko kataw.anon, kinahanglan ba gyud diay nga magpakatawa ko ug tawo? pwede dili? dili man gyud ko kauyon anang magpakatawa uy! kung pakatawon ko, ok ra, pero ako? magpakatawa? cguro kung katawan ko, madala pa. ambot uy! naa pud ni ang isa nga magpapass ug mga daghan papel-papel. kakapoy ba ani niya uy! asa na man si sir neil? mas nindut pa unta to siya! sa ka pisti na lang man gyud aning panahuna. anaa pa gyud ang ipapass inig sunod semana nga circuit. basta oi! ambot! maayo pang matulog!


pero, hinuon, naa man koy konsolasyon aning panahuna...

ano nga ba talaga ang buhay, 'no? Nag lalakad tayong walang kaalam-alam. Yun bang, pa daos-daos na lang nang walang puntahan. atsaka, bakit ba kailangan nating itago yung niraramdaman natin sa isa't-isa nang sa bandang huli, lumalabas pa rin naman na malalaman rin nila, at makikita mo rin ang reaksyon nila. bakit pa natin itatagal ang problema? parehas rin lang naman pala eh! e ano ngayon? ipaalam natin sa kung sino man ang kinauukulan ang ating nararamdaman? hindi! dahil duwag tayo! yan ang tao, duwag!

yan ako, duwag!

one mans trash is another mans treasure.
what you hate may be what others love.

remember that!

Got this from friendster. now, this is probably not true, but its fun to read anyway.

HOW TO TELL IF A GUY LIKES YOU:

1. The guy will be extremely nice to you.
2. He will tell you that you did something good,
even when
you did it horribly.
3. He might make fun of you.
4. He will want to be your best friend.
5. He might complement you on something normal
like, your
hair, even if you wear it that way everyday.
6. He will stick up for you.
7. He will start hanging out with your friends.
8. He will flirt with you.
9. He will call you for no good reason.
10. He will make eye contact with a serious look
on his face.


HOW TO TELL IF A GIRL LIKES YOU:

1. They always talk about the different kind of
guys they
COULD have.
2. They stare at you with a smile on their face
and won't
look away until you do first.
3. They ALWAYS seem to be talking about how nice
or cute
you are.
4. They laugh at all your jokes, no matter how
stupid they are.
5. They will ask you who you like, continuously.
6. They talk to your friends about you a lot.
7. They always are flirting with every other
guy, except you.
8. They always try to make you jealous.
9. They beg you to do everything for them.
10. They always ask you what to do in a bad
situation.