the forbidden fruit

i read in the prologue of the thornbirds long ago that a thornbird searches its whole life for a thron in which to impale itself and upon doing so, sign with its entire heart the most beautiful and heavenly song that ever blessed the earth.

so gothic.

for such a godly gift, a life must be lost. for nothing is gained without giving, and nothing is won without lost. there is nothing good, without the bad.

thats why we smoke, we drink, we take risks, we give all we have for one insolent cause. it gives meaning to our dull and boring lives. it gives a glimpse of pleasure in the multitude of pain. for we are willing to give everything we could offer, to enjoy for a single moment, the hapiness, the respite, the love, the bliss, even if all is to be lost, and pain, suffering, and tears are to be the cost.

that is why...

parties
much as i love to sing with all my heart frantically off-key, i really feel that it should be done in limited places only, eg. close friends, family, et al.
i'm tired of bullshit so let me get this out straight and clear, the christmas party was crap! we came late, the food was lacking, the entertainment was unenjoyable, for me, at least. but what really got to me was the crowd. i guess, from this evening, that i don't really like my cousins and their company that much. there always seems to be a feeling of... i don't know the term, not ka-ulaw, but more of ka-ikog. its maybe that these people are older, and i can't really get along with them, granting that i already have enough problems relating to people my age but i guess its simply that i don't like relating with them. i find them too hard, too city grown. and that being the case, i guess i'll just sing on my own.
God, i miss wao already.

were leaving for mindanao tomorrow so i may not be able to post until new year, anyway here's greeting you all a merry christmas.

may you be blessed in everyday of your life as blessed as you were when the lord came down from his holy throne in heaven to be with us in this season of joy.
may you walk in song as sweet as the music that first were heard at the days of creation and as a song can be, with its high notes and low, may you always find that the song is the best as can be.

Love you all.

to anyone who may think otherwise, i do not and will not in the near future have any plans to court, ask out, or in any case date anyone. this is to clarify any misconceptions anyone may have had had about my current status and presumably, tate of mind. good day to you all.

growing up
i know i am not perfect
i know i've made mistakes
i have made bad choices
it is a fact, i will not deny it
but look beyond the cloud
i am who i choose to be
and knowing me is knowing
there's so much more to me
to all the people i've hurt
i am truly sorry
for all the times i've failed you
i am deeply sorry
but sorry's not enough
and change is growing up
grow must i, then i must change
be patient with me

I'm Sorry
John Denver

It’s cold here in the city
It always seems that way
And I’ve been thinking about you almost everyday
Thinking about the good times
Thinking about the rain
Thinking about how bad it feels alone again

I’m sorry for the way things are in China
I’m sorry things ain’t what they used to be
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
'Cause you’re not here with me

Our friends ask all about you
I say you’re doing fine
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime
But they all know I’m crying
I can't sleep at night
They all know I’m dying down deep inside

I’m sorry for all the lies I told you
I’m sorry for the things I didn’t say
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
I can’t believe you went away

I’m sorry if I took some things for granted
I’m sorry for the chains I put on you
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
For living without you

shame and shyness
is it just me or do i keep putting myself depreciatingd self-depreciatiing positions? maybe i'm just being overly dramatic but i really do feel that every move i makes brings me shame. i used to have trouble differentiating shame and shyness but now, it is obvious. i used to be shy. now, i still am. but what i am really is ever shamed, by the every move i make each day. why don't i just kill myself? but whathat'ss after death? thats the problem. [refer writings - epilogue]

ok, so hows this for luck...

I just wrote a rather long post, and when I publish, the window just closes. What the hell is wrong with internet explorer today?

Anyway, since I can't afford to buy the original cd's, I've started downloading the new albums of josh groban and michael buble from kazaa to add to my collection. I really like his new song. Its a wonderful ode to inspiration. I just played it for the 9th time, and I'm still not over it.

There's just one thing wrong with this song. Everytime I get through singing this, I get depressed. [Again, just as anything gets me to be these days.] Anyway, you be the judge. Here are the lyrics:

You Raise Me Up
Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

Reminder
Please be a member and post your reactions to this board.
If you wish to be a member, or if you have any advise, comments, reactions, suggestions, or for anything, message/email me at my yahoo account.
Any reactions would be welcome!


Have a good day, people!

I was watching a cheap foreign show yesterday. The plot was copied off X-men, the acting and storyline was cheap. I think it was called "Mutant-X"? I'm not so sure. There was really nothing else to do as I didn't want to watch basketball, telenovelas, or startrek and the show on MTV was kinda boring. I just wonder what the hell happened to Friday night primetime. It used to be the best night to watch TV but all that were shown last night was crap. I waited for Bubble gang and the Julius and Tintin wedding special. The wedding special was kind of boring as their wedding has been used and abused for the past few weeks by Magandang Umaga Bayan for the past few weeks. So I ended watching bubble gang. I didn't even want to watch bubble gang since it can only depress me further. Talk of lovey-dovey shit isn't really for me right now. But I do wish them well. After all, if not me then why not them?!

Anyway, where was I??? Back to X-something. The lead actor, adam he was called, said something about a badass mutant in the show. Now, this mutant was cool. He had cell regeneration powers so fast, it looked like he was indestructible. Something we all wished to have, DUT? Anyway, adam said something like this mutant guy, being so powerful, lost all meaning of his life, and should be pitied. Now, this gets me to thinkning, as almost anything does, that what if I had that power, or any power for that matter but thats another story, would I lose my meaning in life? [As if my life does have mewaning as it is, but thats also another story]

Get me so far???? I don't! so lets drop this!

Hav a nice day!

BTW. People, when you read this, please send me advise, answers, comments, reactions, or suggestions. Be a member here and post or email or message me. Thanks.

Writings

"Out from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks"
What we say reflect what who we truly are and what we really feel inside. Looking back today, I can see that there are times that I have said things I did not consciously meant to say, but they came out of me anyway. Using Sigmund Frued's psychoanalytic chuva, Could it be that these are the things I really want to say? Is this the voice of my heart outsinging the words of my mouth? If so, then this could be my window to my soul, a way to finally understand myself. And, again, looking back, I can see that some of my unconsious outburst have been about some people, and things that I can never hope to realize. . .
===

Untitled
"Maybe I try so hard at things I shouldn't be and too little on things I should. But no matter what I do, I can never be what I think they would want me to be."

Same confusing line, day after day. So monotonous. So boring... So unanswered! If only I would find answers to my questions, life would be much better. But maybe I'm just looking at the soot in the bottom of the pot, and not the tasty soup it contains. Maybe. Another question that I can add to the thousand that I have asked, which have been left unanswered.
===

"Mockery is man's disguise to fear."
This line is scary. I mean, in the course of a day, we mock so many things, people, ideas, and if we think of it, What if this line was true? What if we do mock the things we truly fear? I mock so many things in my life: friends, acquaintances, lessons, teachers, ... almost everything I come in contact with, i mock in some way.

And the scariest thing is, I think its true.
===

"Tell Her About It"
Written by Billy Joel


Listen boy
Don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away

You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes
I made

She's a real nice girl
And she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

Listen boy
I'm sure that you think you got it all
Under control

You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul
You're a big boy now
You'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing
She ought to know

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real

Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Listen boy
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide communication constantly

When you love someone
You're always insecure
And there's only one good way
To reassure

Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there

Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe

Cause now and then
She'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone

Listen boy
It's good information from a man
Who's made mistakes

Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes

She's a trusting soul
So put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you
What you should do

Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real

Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means

Tell her about it
Tell her how you feel right now
Tell her about it
The girl don't want to wait too long
You got to tell her about it
Tell her now and you won't go wrong
You got to tell her about it

Before it gets too late
You got to tell her about it
You know the girl don't want
To wait--you got to
Tell her about it
===

Epilogue

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.


Is it called giving up, or facing reality?

Friends and Lovers

Is there really a relation with us and the people others choose to be with? [If you don't know what I mean, don't ask!]

Do we really cause others to feel the loneliness that we feel? [For me, anyway]

Is it something in me, some inner longing perhaps?


Life is full of questions I cannot answer. If you can answer any of these questions, please tell me.

The days and years. the time that has gone.

I think back to a few days ago, when a friend of mine lamented that he feels that he will be a bachelor for life. That coming from a 20 year old chinese who has all the possibilities ahead of him. If thats what he feels, how does he think I should feel? I have never tried anything remotely close to such things. I have no attributes to speak of that will bring me such types of experience.

It brings me to think that what about me? Will I be a bachelor for life? I don't know. maybe that's my destiny. I really don't know anymore. I hope not!


Of love and life

Yesterday, we had a class in psychology. And we had a discussion about, of all things, love. I was kind of sleepy at first [understatement, really. I fell asleep!]. One of the points being discussed was that love can be viewed in terms of walls of defences, and falling in love means that these walls are falling down. I can't say I fully believe in this, but if it were so, then my walls have fallen. And in this case, why am I still on the defensive? But in any case, I can use that analogy on her. She has walls and pillars that I cannot cross.

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." This is the fullest definition of love that I have seen. THIS is my meaning of love.

Ingon ako friend na c pretty tis, love for her is like a bubblegum, kung mupilit, makaboang! hehe....alay sense noh?!

Anyway, I can't think further in this situation. Na unya makabasa sa akong mga drafts. Daghan raba na sulod nga, lets just say, "personal" nya naa baya atriba sa ako tupad na c pretty tis....

viki, where'd you get that PRELI GO bit from? where? where> where?

anyway.. as for your message to your.. eherm.. "fans" (in your dreams, bucko!!) you basically used up almost all the words in the thesaurus, right? hahahhahaah!!! the powers of "shift-f7" anyway, till here..


PALUGIT!!!!

paradox and irony

My life is an anthology of chances, choices and mistakes. Whatever I do, feel, say or think, I never really know the outcome of it all until it happens, when it is all too late to do anything [or even if it is possible to do something, it would be rather difficult and tiring so in any case, it is impossible none the less. I mean, me? work? Oxymoron! Whatever...].

Everything I do, no matter the best of intentions, whether they be for the good of society, or ourselves, is truly unsure, uncertain, and indefinite, until such time when I know the outcome, which is ussually bad. Or maybe I'm just babbling.

Could it be that am just so negative? It may be that my life is the best in the world, that I am blessed beyond all others, that I have everything anyone asks for in life, and I am just too blind to see it. Perhaps! But it still doesn't change the fact that i feel miserable. And why is that, you ask? I don't know. You tell me! If you have read this entire site, you can see that I have absolutely no claim of understanding my life so far. I don't know what I did yesterday. I don't know what I will do today. And I really don't know what happens tomorrow.

I talk too much!


To my adoring fans! :)

I know you people have read what I posted a few days ago. And I would just like to say this, no matter how you aggravate, agitate, annoy, bother, beleaguer, disturb, exasperate, frustrate, harass, infuriate, irritate, pester, trouble, upset, ... where was I? I will never tell you anything! -insert evil laugh here-

Thanks for your inputs people!

For preli go.

Ngano preli go naman sad na? what happened to preli_g and preli_cute? Is this one and the same person? Proof please! I need irrefutable evidence. i know you were in highschool a few months ago. For your 10 year Alumni Reunion! Asa ka pa day!

If you ever find the author of the poem, ingna ko! :)

TC pipol!

vikis loveylifey

viki, found this poem, from when i was still in high school.. which was just a few months ago..

anyway... hehehehehehe... hope you like it.. i don't know who wrote this... credit to the author. if you get to read this, dear author, i am a fan!!!!! anyway.. i didnt write this, okies? just got a copy from a friend in high school, which as i said, was just a few months ago...

so there!!!

sana, maka relate ka.... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

IN THE SILENCE

there you are again passing by me
you looked but you didnt see
you didnt notice that part of the view
is just staring and thinking of you;

your name i wish i could call
to tell you that you're the best among alll
but such words i couldnt speak
kept in my heart and keeping me weak;

my spirit's strength is my love for you
my heart's content is the sight of you
but you do not know for i couldnt reveal
even a clue to what i truly feel;

but if you'll just take a moment to realize
that in the silence you hear my love lies
and in that same silence you have a friend
who loves you dearly with a love that has no end

Sleep

For the past few days, I've been feeling sleepy. I can't seem to do anything, and believe me, I have lots of things to do! Why, oh why?

What a way to start the month. In the nest few days, we'll be having our prelims. And with all the things I have to do, I can't do anything. I'm too damn tired. I won't be surprised if I fail these tests. I hope not! I can't afford it. I guess I better go study. We have a test tomorrow.

Goodbye for now.


What life? This isn't living, it's survival.