why do we want to do the things we dare not do? why?

question to the question
will you please be patient with me?
will you accept my fancies?
please.

the dilemma, from another POV.
it is true that misery shared is half a misery.
i just found out of someone who is in somewhat the same situation,
and i feel light-hearted, knowing that i'm not alone.

although it wasnt really shared since i never said anything, i just heard his/her side. pero the feeling is still there.

misery really does love company.

freewill...

it depends on the person how to react to each and every situation.
true, that there are norms on which reactions are based, but these are mere suggestions or guides to our response. the true and final arbiter of outcomes would be the one it is presented to. this being so, then the situationer would be of no recourse but to accept the fates that befall them as judged by the reaction of the situationee.

the course of my actions have been set. react you impertinent fools to my forbear! i will not yield.

if the turn of the die rolls one way, i will not be one to change it. if that is what you want girl, then the turn of the die rolls on. my life goes on. your life goes on. the world stops turning for no one. rules must be obeyed. please be happy with your choices.

but it doesn't stop the feelings...


nor the tears.

...from this end

the ghost that lurks in the darkness bright
with eyes, see all that pass
what is seen as time goes past
all you need is ask

talk

funny thing about giving thoughts is, it helps the giver more than the receiver.
the receiver may or may not use the thoughts given, but the giver walks away with the feeling of self content and emancipation. i think i love to give thoughts, to certain people, at the very least. i am never one to really talk to crowds. but in the rare times that speech beseeches me, i am happy, or maybe contented. but still the same, the feeling is there.

here we go....

art

if you walk by the lagoon in ayala, towards the marriot hotel, a curious eye could see a curious spectacle. in the clearing to the left, one could see a statue of a young boy letting fly a kite. whats so special about it is the symbolism of the craft. boy- us; kite- our hopes and dreams; the three posts- our foundations. what could present a clearer sign of our present state?

what intrigues me, however, is that you never see the statue with anyone around it. especially now that it has been cordoned off because of the toontown display. all the more symbolic, dont you think?

i am not a funny person, although at times, i do wish i'd had been one, but i am not, and that is that. am i to blame that i am such, and should i be punished for it? i am not saying that i am not at fault, what i'm saying is that the fault is not all mine! whatever!

disjunction

the absurdity that is me is oft in time the subject of travesty. who is to say that it does not deserve it so? and perchance that it is not so, should i call upon the justice of the world eternal to cast down lightning from his high throne in the sky to strike down these riffraff? would poseidon here me in his realm in the depths and join me in my squalor?

nay, vengeance is not mine to dispense nor wield, it is the wretched scoundrel who take justice upon themselves and impart their own brand of the law. my errand is not to change things but to accept them as they come, and live with it. and so i remain. plausibly it is my trespass that i should be so lax, but i cannot bear to be the agent of pain to anyone, not even mine insolent intimidators.

perhaps it is my character that deserves such a reception that leads to such lack of propinquity, but is it not the constitution of the man that is scoured in the venture for immediacy? i know not, for so rare a time have i ever chanced upon such a proximity, and always ever so fleeting. may be i ask for too much, may be i don't know what i search, may be i don't know me. maybe!

but until i know what is it i search, i must live as i have lived all the days of my life, onliest. and to the hosts of my prehension, sift me out and abide, for you are my utopia.

wrath befall the precedent of my divorce!

for every action, there is a corresponding reaction.

how do we know the repercussions of our actions? how?

Forgive the last post. I don't really care for it any more. Perhaps that is my mistake, i'm too forgetful, too unmindful. i forget practically everything i come across, well not really, but you get the point, don't you? but the thing is, i'm not into details, names, dates, places, they don't mean much to me. i believe i'm more into experiences and processes. perhaps i come off as uncaring, but i'm not really. my heart bleeds for everything that happens to everyone i care for. but we live in a world where feelings must be kept, and emotions must are taboo. i have learned , as i grew up that matters not of this earth are not to be discussed. but if it can't be discussed, how can i understand? how can i live without understanding? always forever, i have been taught that understanding is the key to living life. thats why we study, thats why we do the things we do. we are, or at least i am, hoping to understand my life. but ive found that things i want to understand are really not to be discussed in public. feelings that can't be revealed. thoughts that are private. ideas that are darkened. i can never hope to understand my life this way. do i move on, like this, day after day, unfeeling, devoid, characterless? is it really my course to live my live in a shell, ever hiding, ever keeping to myself. if so, then i am no more than an animal in the wild. so careless, so alone. perhaps thats what i am!

of schooling... and learning

half the sem has passed and i'm still pretty much where i've started, and that is... nowhere. that in itself is troubling enough but all the more because this sem was supposed to be different, it was supposed to be special. i mean, i started pilot class, the teachers were supposed to be good. well most of them, at least. but here i stand in this midpoint of time, if that is ever possible, and i ask the overused question that most everyone asks: "what happened?"

to evaluate and fully understand my situation, i shall proceed to study the circumstances piece by piece.

if you are bored to this point or uninterested in any way, you may skip this post, or this blog for that matter. this is boring, i know, and so like totally unrelated to you and so grabeh, but u know that already.



never mind!

undated
...trying hard to dlend into the environment and failing miserably. OTOH, the most famous of men were those that lived notably exemplary lives. but do i really want to be famous? is world appreciation really my meaning in life? where can i find answers to such questions? if there were an oracle in this world to search for that would give you the answers to all the questions that you want to ask, i would search for it. but there is none. and so i sit all alone wishing all my feelings were gone??? an ideal way to understand oneself would be through the aid of one's friends. they could give you the much needed assesment of our actions better than we could ever do on our own. but friends can be biased and they are mostly too kind as to overlook such details of ourselves that they believe would hurt us... or do they? so when asked, they would rather not say anything, or don't they???

whatever, but this brings me to a point of question... can it be solved by fortune tellers? does someone really hold all the answers to our questions? even if they don't, maybe they can give the satisfaction of an answer that we want, even if it is not the truth. but even if it does, perhaps i'll always doubt the realit since i see no proof or it offers no assurance of being the truth. damn it! i hate being too rational.

i'm bored. i should have gone with them. but it is too expensive and taxing. well... not really. but i don't know. what about kuya? we planned to meet up after class to work on our project. now that i don't have classes, it would have been a very opportune time to go there. but where is he? i suppose it is rather selfish to expect that he would be waiting until i have a free schedule, but it's just that i'm concerned of our project. where is he?


Oh, there he is!

so is that the way she treats me now? so casual as to not be there when i need her? but she did do soething for me, i think. something that i am grateful for. but is this really how she thinks of me? or maybe this has been the way it has always been, and i have just been too blind or unwanting to see. or maybe i am just putting more drama in my life? i hate myself!

or, is it just me? am i sick because i want/expect myself to be down? will somebody please save me from myself?!

which only brings me down further, if that is possible. where is she? why won't she talk to me no more? i need someone to bring me up from this sorry state i'm in.

where is kuya? what am i doing here? i don't feel too good.

basig naa cya date noh? dammit!
is she in school? home? i think shes supposed to have classes now!

Sad Thoughts

As ever, i am again caught in this sad state of depression, i think. it is becoming so common to me now that i have become used to it. not used to it in a happy sort of way that i can bear it when it comes, rather, used to it as in ive come to expect that it comes every now and then.

But i am not really used to it. it is depression after all. it is a feeling of being terribly down. down, to a point that one cannot get up. i know that this can be avoided, remedied. but how can i? how can i, when i am putting myself down in the first place?

waking up

If i had chosen differently, would things have come out better? what if? what if? what if?

Greetings

hi te tis!
hi biang!
hi te den!

"Questions and Answers"

"Kinsa Lagi?" that is the question that hounds me nowadays, ever since i first posted about "her, she, that girl, whatever..." and so , to clear matters up, i would just like to request the readers of this bulletin to refrain from asking me again about her true identity. For all you people know, it might be you, or the person close to you that was pointed by my words. I would rather that we all keep her at a hypothetical. no names. lets just talk about the underlying feelings and situation. if you are not contented with that, then i am truly sorry. DEAL!!! for your assurance, however, i tell you this:

COMING SOON... "The Truth!"



But then again, soon is relative. it could mean a moment to a doctor, or an eon to a galaxy. for me and you? we'll find out when it comes. :)

Talking to myself

I will not talk because there is nothing to discuss. All i have is an infatuation and a crush, nothing more. these kinds of things are not worth seriously talking about unless there is a planned response or course of action to such feelings. then it merits discussion. it is only then that others may be affected and other opinions may be consulted. but it is not the case and i feel it can never be so. but if then that is the case, why do i feel like talking about it??? i really can't understand myself. i'm funny sometimes.

song for the week

GOODBYE TO LOVE
Words and Music by Richard Carpenter & John Bettis
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song

And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love

lovingly dedicated to ate den, who reminded me of this song. remember videoke on christmas day? the nightly movie marathons?

mixed emotions

as usual this post is going to be a nutbag of illogical thoughts, feelings and crap. if you have the stomach to read this, go ahead! if you don't, skip this part. you won't miss anything.


all throughout these past two weeks, 17 days, to be exact, ive been really down. although, for me, this is nothing new, the sad part is that i dont think this is because of the project or the schedule anymore. ive been jealous? although there is nothing to be jealous of really but that is still how i feel, i think. now what really tears me is the fact that i cant do anything about it or i am just too scared, unready or too much of a sissy to try. but whatever! one thing is for sure, nothing is coming out of this, absolutely nothing. i cant really understand myself. i want to do something but i really am scared to do it. ive never been there, and im not about to go there soon. i like the way i am now, why spoil it? i need a psychologist/psycho analyst/plainm psycho. shit!

oh happy day!

despite the hell of more than two weeks that ive been through, this is probably one of the most reaized day for me so far. Ive just realized that i no longer have any test to study for, in the next couple of days, i'll be hopping from one food center to another, and i am finally back online for once. shallow aren't I?

but who cares? i don't! do you?

HelL

new year, january 1 2004.

0400 woke up early. y? slept early last night. dad is acting up again.
1400 met up with groupmates to "discuss" project. a great way to greet new year.
...


the rest of the week, since then...

No sleep, aching head, troubled life.


whatever!

miss the people in cagayan.