happy?

Would you be happier by the corrs

Have you ever wonder where the story ends, and how it all began, I do (I do, I do, I do, I do)
Did you ever dream you were the movie star with popcorn in your hand, I did (I did, I did, I did)
Do you ever think you're someone else inside, when no one understands you are (you are)
And wanna disappear inside a dream but never wanna wake, wake up
Then you stumble on tomorrow, and trip over today

(Chorus)
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine (gonna be just fine)

Are you not afraid to tell your story now, when everyone is done it's too late (too late, too late)
Was everything you've ever said or done not the way you planned, mistake
So you promised that tomorrow, be different than today

(Chorus)
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine I think you're gonna be just fine

You're gonna be just fine
So don't worry baby
You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today

Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think you're gonna be just fine

Would we be happier if we were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if we played a bigger part
Would we be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think we're gonna be just fine I think you're gonna be just fine
Don't worry baby Gonna be just fine
Don't worry honey Gonna be just fine
Don't worry baby Gonna be just fine


what does it mean to be happy? is happiness laughing with a sea of people? is it getting what you want to get? is happiness having money to spend? or is it having someone to talk to?

what, pray tell, does happiness construe? I laugh amid a crowd, yet I am not happy. I got what I wanted, still I am not happy. I spent what money I had and yet, I still am not happy. And what is there to talk about anyway?

You can talk the world out of meaning, still that will mean nothing. so you did this, and you have that. oh and you've seen this and you been where but happiness it does not buy

maybe I am just way out of my league here and maybe that league is already small in the first place but I find it hard to take the multiplicities of people. understand, easy, but take it, uhmmm no. I try not to think about it

People I find are jumpy, from one exitement to the next, one scene to another, people never settle. they always do move on

It's hard to keep up. I prefer life at a much more leisurely pace. to live life with no presumptions at all. just relax, take it easy, and let it come, all on its own good time.

but even that is hard to do now. I find that the world has changed too much around me. and at times, I can no longer understand. I have been left behind, literally, and figuratively

it's amazing what happens in a few months, much more a couple of years. while I was in great form then,
I am but a shell now. two long years have taken its toll on me

I don't deny a single bit of it. each moment is my past, and I am those moments, piece by piece, molded together to form me. but at times, I do regret the me that I did not become. I always enjoyed the little things. Flowers, rain, watching a movie...

but that is few now... and far between. I can't remember the time that I spent just walking, by myself and in deep though, much as I did before. I have lost myself in my own sea. and I can no longer understand. and I am no longer happy. which isn't saying that I was always happy before, just that I understood why.

but I digress, just the same
who cares?

if you understood me, great!
if not, that makes the both of us.

Reflections in passings

It is lonely away from home

The closeness and kinship

opportunities not taken,

begin to manifest themselves as wasted experiences

and life is filled with self-reproach

but it's too late now

and now amount of contrition would change that

 

but in the darkness of the days

a little light thus makes so much of a difference

for a single candle can light a huge cavern

this I experienced first hand a few days back

and the awesome power of a little light in a vast emptiness was readily apparent

and like tiny little lights in my darkness

various sources of hope emerged

 

most notable would probably be the fellowship,

which I first joined on the 11th of May, 2007

that day truly saved me

that and maybe the day just before that

when mark and I decided to have lunch together at Des' place

and she begrudingly accepted

the pleasure of simply a company of friends

tided the loneliness that have collected the past 2 months

 

I have to admit, I've never been one to need for attention or companionship

this skill I have learned on the 12 years I have been on an exclusive school

the richness and pompousness of the people I had to contend with

pretty much cleansed me of the want to be in company

not to say that I hated the people there

there were many there that were very good and decent

but in company, it takes but a single bad apple to ruin an otherwise perfect barrel

 

but since I have been to college

I have been surrounded by a myriad of friendships

I have been gifted by good friends giving me a true taste of what friendship should be

and for that I am thankful

but on that I have been dependent

call me old fashioned, but I believe in friend as friends for life

true friendship are with those you can be yourself with

and I have that, with my friends

and from that, I have found my love

 

but the almost two months that I have been here before the fellowship

was one of the most agonizing times of my life

true, there were some specks of hapiness here and there

but nothing in so far as I have grown accustomed to

until that fateful week

when I was invited to a simple meeting

 

at first when I saw the invitation to the meeting for the new york trip

I gloomed at the prospect of being forced to a fellowship meeting

I even came late to that, but it turned out that we were early

since everyone else was also late for various reasons

but when I experienced the power of such a gathering

I was amazed, there were people from various denominations of the Christian faith

and I did not feel any tension, everyone was welcome

and everyone was accepted

and I was happy to reflect on my life and my feelings at that moment

 

and one shared her heartaches, hardships and struggles of her life

and I realized how blessed I have been

and how blessed I still am, despite my incessant notions that I am not

and here is someone who appears to have had a harder life than me

and she still has the courage and faith to praise the lord

where in I could not

I was shamed

horrified

but I was touched

and the realization gave me a few days of remembrance

to try and be holy

 

paired with the blessing of companionship

I was not feeling so lonely anymore

then last thursday, we reflected on two bible passages

and I was struck by how close one of the passages hit me

with the loneliness somewhat gone

except of course for that of my girl

I was somewhat comfortable again

but the realization of my lack of skill in my training assignment hit me

and I was filled with worry and fear

 

but upon reflection on the words of john, chapter 3, verse 16

It dawned upon me that the worry upon me was unnecessary

Father God sent his son to die un the cross for our sins

and I believe that he will provide for me in due course

so the worry I am feeling is needless

it shows a lack of trust in faith

and I resolved to forego of my worries

and let the Lord figure it out

but instead, do what I can

just a few nights ago, I cried myself in prayer, realizing that I have been really and truly blessed my entire life

yet i still had the gall to be ungrateful

 

I know the Lord will provide

The past few weeks have been a terrific revelation for me

a spiritual revolution in a sense

I may not be sure how long this will last

specially on the absence of the fellowship that has showered me these blessings

but I will not worry about that

I will instead pray that the Lord continue to shower me with his blessings

just as he always have in my life

even when I refuse to accept it.

 

and I know I will remember

for a while at least

the beautiful people that have been blessings to me in my hour of need

mommy Rose, Des, Mark, Dindin, Jammy,

and the rest of the wonderful cast of neighbors in Residence Inn and Beaumont Farms

They shone a light in my darkness

and now I can see...

 

a little

 

and for a while

 

and I will remember

 

to you all,

 

I am grateful

 

b

b
b
b
b

busy as a bee
too many plans and one can only do so much
have to study but when
need to sleep but when
need to talk but when
need to hang but when

but when will the answers come
answers as always
come too late
or not at all

so where does that leave me?
i have not studied
i barely talked
i barely hanged
i think i'll just go to sleep instead

1 out of 4 ain't too bad right?

but what about the rest?
how do i face tomorrow when i haven't studied?
how can i have a future when i cannot talk?
how can i live when i can't have a life
as always and forever
life drifts by beyond control
plans are shattered and lives are broken

but let's not be that harsh...
not broken
merely battered
but still the hurt is there
and the troubles

why can't i have a few moments of no worries at all?
is that too much to ask?

probably.

but it's not the asking thats the problem


its the answers.

The tie that binds

My baby girl.

Waiting for me in Cebu.

I love you

now

always

and forever.

Distant places

Wishes

Something about somethings that we want it so much.
The lives we lead, the things we do,
are measured against the fantasy that it would someday be true.
Little do we realize that things are not given for a reason.
The reason is clear to me now.
I have something that I have wanted for two years.
But it is nothing more
than another tiresome experience.
Our fantasies are only so good as they remain

a fantasy.

I have experienced one fantasy
but here I am alone reflecting on the loneliness of being alone
alone, in a sea of people
but still... alone.

counting

minutes

moments

til the day we meet again.


The day when I can hold her in my arms
hug her and kiss her

I promise to make up for each and everyday that we are not together
for every kiss that we did not share
but til then

the scent of her hair
the softness of her touch
and the warmth of her skin

I will savor but in memories

of the times we were together
and the forever that we will have.

'til we meet again my love...
I will remember.

And a greater wish comes forth
the return

and the end

of the fantasy.