crayzee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

la lang!

calm

silence looms at the horizon
and the light begins to dawn

the tortures almost over
at least, for now!

ferolin's done,
so is canete's.

only one more to go,
and thats java.

what to do?
dont know shit.

but another big problem,
or at least a worry...

still havent paid the tuition.
will pay tomorrow, if i have the money

but anywaym the problem is,
will the teachers still accept it tomorrow?

hopefully.
balquin will.
so will canete.
bontuyan? probably.
ferolin? dunno. hopefully.
lacorte? hopefully!!!hopefully!!!hopefully!!!hopefully!!!

dammit!
stupid really.
but, no use worrying over something you cannot change
just hope and pray, i guess.

but i still worry.

greetings from hell or somewhere near it

its getting hot in here!
deadlines upon deadlines...
and none of them we were able to meet.
we were supposed to finish our ferolin and canete projects today
but what happened???
i slept!
stupid!
wala pa gyud ic programmer!
hala na lang gyud!
so what? mag karakara napud ni ugma?
dammit!
la pa gyud mi final docu!
and thene theres java!
no idea what to do right now!
6 more days... and it will all be over!
an eternity away... but its close enough!

ridiculously busy!
havent had decent sleep
lots of deadlines to beat
and more politics.
when will this ever end.

and then theres the money.

Did you know that people who occupy
themselves by keeping others company
or helping others are the ones that
actually need your company and help?

words of the great philosopher
who in sofar as i have seen,
has been silent for a while
whats new, o great one? o_o

all about love

If you have to love, don’t . . . if the one you’re going
to love doesn’t love you back. Unrequited love
must not fill a space in your existence. If you find
yourself thinking about someone, and his
sweetness, although you know he’s naturally
sweet to all girls, and his sweetness to you
doesn’t mean anything, so there’s no reason to
think about him. Don’t be assuming that his
checking out on you is a sign that he has a thing to
you. Don’t read between the lines of the sweet text
messages that he usually sends to you. Don’t
dwell on the memories you had with him, because
most definitely, he’s not dwelling on them either.
As much as you could, try not to fall for him. To fall
in love with that kind of guy will be an awful blow to
your vulnerable emotions. Because surprise,
surprise . . . he won’t reciprocate the way you feel
about him. He is “just sweet” remember?
If you’re eyeing on a classmate whom
your friend also likes, or should I say, love . . .
takes the backseat. Don’t squeeze yourself into
the picture. Boogie out of the scene that is
designated only for the two of them. At this point,
don’t take the risk of falling for the guy in the hope
that maybe it could be you who will get his
attention and not your friend who also have a thing
for him. That won’t work. Assuming that someone
loves you is the most stupid reason for propelling
oneself to love. So, don’t assume. And if it
happens, that you really don’t assume but you
have the urge to love the guy because whoa! . . .
he is a catch, try to control the feeling. The worst
thing that can happen is seeing your friend and
your prospect, together. You’re nothing but a
friend who buys tickets from his organization, just
for his sake. Bop yourself until you realize that you
have to let go of that classmate. Don’t skip your
class just because you hate to see them together.
Look at the gut in a different light, say, notice how
he doesn’t match up with your ideal guy standard
anyway, because he dresses so lousily, or he has
this bad taste in music or something like that.
Stop entertaining the thought that he’s so perfect
for you. He isn’t . . . okay?
And if there’s this guy who, well, was
once your dear boyfriend, at first was making you
feel that he wanted you back as his girl, and he’s
trying to woo you with his sweet words, but along
the way, it seems that he’s not that sincere with
his intentions anymore, then don’t give yourself the
hassle of falling for that darn guy all over again . . .
(oh man! Not again huh!) Don’t wait for his calls,
even though for the past two years of his life, he
has been calling you and trying to win your
affection. Never, ever stay awake late, staring at
your phone after 10pm, the time he usually calls,
because believe me, that phone won’t ring, and if
it will, it isn’t him anyway. Don’t dwell on those
moments when he sang “Can’t you help me” (ni
Usher) or the morning he called you up, which
came as a surprise to you, because he doesn’t
usually call at that time, just to wish you God’s
blessings for your midterm exams in the
afternoon. Okay, he was like that in the past, but
that was in the past. He doesn’t call anymore. Hell,
you waited for his call last night, but he didn’t,
right? Poor you. Don’t say to yourself, “I miss him”.
It hurts to wait, especially if that waiting is bound to
nothing.
Yes, love is the sweetest thing, I know.
It’s the greatest feeling. That is, if the one you love,
loves you back . . . there can’t be anything better
than that. But if the situation is either one of those
mentioned above, that’s a different story. As much
as possible, evade from those heart-wrenching
situations. Love is hard to control, but try anyway.
Give your best shot at falling out of love when you
already feel that you have to. You’re lucky enough
if you’ll sense the absurdity and pain of unrequited
love way ahead before it heads your way,
because it will spare you from going through a lot
of hell. All you have to do is simply occupy yourself
with a lot of things, have fun with your life. You’ll be
in love again, soon, and this time you will not get
hurt because He will feel the same for you. It may
not be now, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time.
Love is all about sacrifice, giving oneself freely
even with no strings attached, you say. Hell, I know
that! Love is not really supposed to hurt, but that’s
what makes love, love. Well, this is my stand and I
hope you’re with me.

posted on friendster by sandraIf you have to love, don’t . . . if the one you’re going
to love doesn’t love you back. Unrequited love
must not fill a space in your existence. If you find
yourself thinking about someone, and his
sweetness, although you know he’s naturally
sweet to all girls, and his sweetness to you
doesn’t mean anything, so there’s no reason to
think about him. Don’t be assuming that his
checking out on you is a sign that he has a thing to
you. Don’t read between the lines of the sweet text
messages that he usually sends to you. Don’t
dwell on the memories you had with him, because
most definitely, he’s not dwelling on them either.
As much as you could, try not to fall for him. To fall
in love with that kind of guy will be an awful blow to
your vulnerable emotions. Because surprise,
surprise . . . he won’t reciprocate the way you feel
about him. He is “just sweet” remember?
If you’re eyeing on a classmate whom
your friend also likes, or should I say, love . . .
takes the backseat. Don’t squeeze yourself into
the picture. Boogie out of the scene that is
designated only for the two of them. At this point,
don’t take the risk of falling for the guy in the hope
that maybe it could be you who will get his
attention and not your friend who also have a thing
for him. That won’t work. Assuming that someone
loves you is the most stupid reason for propelling
oneself to love. So, don’t assume. And if it
happens, that you really don’t assume but you
have the urge to love the guy because whoa! . . .
he is a catch, try to control the feeling. The worst
thing that can happen is seeing your friend and
your prospect, together. You’re nothing but a
friend who buys tickets from his organization, just
for his sake. Bop yourself until you realize that you
have to let go of that classmate. Don’t skip your
class just because you hate to see them together.
Look at the gut in a different light, say, notice how
he doesn’t match up with your ideal guy standard
anyway, because he dresses so lousily, or he has
this bad taste in music or something like that.
Stop entertaining the thought that he’s so perfect
for you. He isn’t . . . okay?
And if there’s this guy who, well, was
once your dear boyfriend, at first was making you
feel that he wanted you back as his girl, and he’s
trying to woo you with his sweet words, but along
the way, it seems that he’s not that sincere with
his intentions anymore, then don’t give yourself the
hassle of falling for that darn guy all over again . . .
(oh man! Not again huh!) Don’t wait for his calls,
even though for the past two years of his life, he
has been calling you and trying to win your
affection. Never, ever stay awake late, staring at
your phone after 10pm, the time he usually calls,
because believe me, that phone won’t ring, and if
it will, it isn’t him anyway. Don’t dwell on those
moments when he sang “Can’t you help me” (ni
Usher) or the morning he called you up, which
came as a surprise to you, because he doesn’t
usually call at that time, just to wish you God’s
blessings for your midterm exams in the
afternoon. Okay, he was like that in the past, but
that was in the past. He doesn’t call anymore. Hell,
you waited for his call last night, but he didn’t,
right? Poor you. Don’t say to yourself, “I miss him”.
It hurts to wait, especially if that waiting is bound to
nothing.
Yes, love is the sweetest thing, I know.
It’s the greatest feeling. That is, if the one you love,
loves you back . . . there can’t be anything better
than that. But if the situation is either one of those
mentioned above, that’s a different story. As much
as possible, evade from those heart-wrenching
situations. Love is hard to control, but try anyway.
Give your best shot at falling out of love when you
already feel that you have to. You’re lucky enough
if you’ll sense the absurdity and pain of unrequited
love way ahead before it heads your way,
because it will spare you from going through a lot
of hell. All you have to do is simply occupy yourself
with a lot of things, have fun with your life. You’ll be
in love again, soon, and this time you will not get
hurt because He will feel the same for you. It may
not be now, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time.
Love is all about sacrifice, giving oneself freely
even with no strings attached, you say. Hell, I know
that! Love is not really supposed to hurt, but that’s
what makes love, love. Well, this is my stand and I
hope you’re with me.

posted on friendster by sandra

sometimes i just dont understand you
but thats not saying much
most times, i dont even understand myself
but still,
its hard to always question if you did something wrong
its hard not knowing how to place yourself
its easier maybe to be hated
than not know if you are or not
at least theres certainty in knowing
and at least,
you know where you stand
its hard to see
that sometimes you are no one
sometimes you are servant
sometimes you are important
and sometimes you are hated
who am i really?
to you?
scared as i am of knowing what could be the truth
i would rather be hurt knowing
than be hurting not knowing at all

complicated love

THIS IS WHAT A GIRL TELLS A GUY

If you see me walking the road with someone else,
It's not because I like his accompany...
Its because you're not brave enough to walk
beside me.


If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat


If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him..
But because you're not there to catch me fall

If you feel lost, I am nowhere
I don't know where the road is going

Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?..

Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound

Don't let me walk with him,
It's you I want to walk with..


Don't let me talk of him,
it's you I want to talk with..


Don't let me fall for him,
It's you I want to fall in love with..


"HOW THE GUY REPLY" ??..


When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk
beside you
I was behind you every step of the way

Still filled with awe because of the beauty that
stand before me


When you thought I was too deaf to hear your
heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to loose our friendship


When you thought I wasn't there to catch you,
It was because you never gave me the chance

You never reached the bottom,
you've already grabbed a branch


If you feel like you are nowhere,
I am lost too

I don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?

Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?

Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side

Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with

Don't let me fall for someone else
It's you I want to fall in love with.


WHEN I SAW YOU...

I WAS AFRAID TO TALK TO YOU...

WHEN I TALKED TO YOU...

I WAS AFRAID TO HOLD YOU...

WHEN I HOLD YOU...

I WAS AFRAID TO LOVE YOU...

NOW THAT I LOVE YOU ...

I'M AFRAID TO LOSE YOU...


YESTERDAY IS HISTORY...
TOMORROW IS A MYSTERY...
AND TODAY IS A GIFT...

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A PRESENT...

SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS...
BUT IF IT DOESN'T HURT...
THEN IT ISN'T LOVE...


HOLD ON TO THE PERSON U LOVE...
BEFORE THEY SLIP AWAY...
OR ELSE U CAN NEVER GET THEM BACK...


I WAS BORN WHEN YOU KISSED ME...
AND I DIED WHEN YOU LEFT ME...

BUT I LIVED FOR THE TIME U LOVED ME...


UNTIL THERE WAS YOU,
I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP...


WHILE I HAD YOU, I FELL ASLEEP WITH A
GENTLE SMILE ON MY FACE...


BEFORE I LOST YOU, I WORRIED MYSELF
TO SLEEP...


NOW THAT I KNOW UR GONE,
I SIT UP AT NIGHT, WAITING FOR U TO
COME BACK....

at long last

so, after almost two weeks of no posts,
i can finally get back on blogger.
i dont get what was wrong with it in the first place,
but anyway...

so much has happened since i last posted,
and more before that.
but many things just cant be spoken
and somethings are passe
whats left to speak of
without hurting the people around you?

all i can say is that
it has been emotionally draining
a rollercoaster ride of unimaginable proportions
i wish there was a way to explain all of this
but there really isnt
and anyway, if i were to post it all here,
i doubt you would still understand.

but fact remains that trouble is brewing
and like volcanoes waiting to erupt
may it finally all explode
so we may be over this and move on
with the rest of our lives
rather than always waiting in fear

uncertainty, i believe causes many of our problems
and the only remedy would be to
dispose of this tangle of lies, faces and masks
that hide the true feelings within us

may we all survive this
and GROW from it.

busy life!

my biorythm says my body is getting better
but emotinally, im going to go down oin the next few days
so will i intellectually.

its heartening to know that i might become stronger in the next few days
lately, ive been feeling weak and tired. but if its to get over then happy me
but emotionally?????????????????????
is it in anyway possible to get it lower than it is ryt now?
but if it is, then i cant even bear to think of whats coming
any way, que sera...

free time

oh this week i got lots and lots of free time,
after all there are no classes

and besides, we got nothing to do at the office,
its almost release and everythings at ready

i can just spend my afternoons whiling away the time
doing nothing of signifance

i dont have to go to school unless i want to watch the games
i dont have to face a computer, unless its to play

there are no circuits to design and wire
nothing to plan
no programs to make
no tests to study for

life's a dream!


and it is just what it is...

a long forgotten dream.

What One Man Can Do

I suppose that there are those
Who'll say he had it easy
Had it made in fact
Before hed even begun
But they dont know the things I know
I was always with him
It may sound strange
We were more than friends

Its hard to tell the truth
When no one wants to listen
When no one really cares
Whats going on
And its hard to stand alone
When you need someone beside you
Your spirit and your faith
They must be strong

What one man can do is dream
What one man can do is love
What one man can do is change the world
And make it young again
Here you see what one man can do

As shaded as his eyes might be
Thats how bright his mind is
Thats how strong his love
For you and me
A friend to all the universe
Grandfather of the future
And everything I would like to be

What one man can do is dream
What one man can do is love
What one man can do is change the world
And make it young again
Here you see what one man can do

What one man can do is dream
What one man can do is love
What one man can do is change the world
And make it young again
Here you see what one man can do

Words and music by John Denver

On the Wings of a Dream

yesterday I had a dream about dying
About laying to rest and then flying
How the moment at hand
Is the only thing we really own
And I lay in my bed and I wonder
After all has been said and is done for
Why is it thus we are here
And so soon we are gone

Is this life just a path
To the place that we all have come from
Does the heart know the way
And if not can it ever be found
In a smile or a tear
Or a prayer or a sigh or a song

And if so I sing for my father
And in truth you must know I would rather
He were here by my side
We could fly on the wings of a dream
To a place where the spirit could find us
And joy and surrender would bind us
We are one anyway
Anyway we are more than we seem

There are those who will lead us
Protect us each step of the way
From beginning to end
For each moment forever each day
Such a gift has been given
It can never be taken away

Though the body in passing must leave us
There is one who remains to receive us
There are those in this life
Who are friends from our heavenly home
So I listen to the voices inside me
For I know they are there just to guide me
And my faith will proclaim it is so
We are never alone

From the life to the light
From the dark of the night to the dawn
He is so in my heart
He is here he could never be gone
Though the singer is silent
There still is the truth of the song

Yesterday I had a dream about dying
About laying to rest and then flying
How the moment at hand
Is the only thing we really own

And I lay in my bed and I wonder
After all has been said and is done for
Why is it thus we are here
And so soon we are gone
Why is it thus we are here
And so soon we are gone

Words and music by John Denver

so...
long time...
this is kinda new to me
its been 1 full week since i last posted.
that weird
i guess ive been really busy this week
or felt like i was.
but theres so much to write
about the things that happened
and being that,
i wont write a thing about it
besides...
some things just cant be said
or are not worth saying
or don't need to be said
all i can say,
is the week was long
and rather expensive.
where did my allowance go???
but anyway...
that's all.

100 Tears Away

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart, you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give into the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so mahy choices
You can't save all the hungry
The lonely or the dying
Sometimes we wanna give up
But fools like us keep trying

You're a long way from some place you feel safe
Peace of mine comes from just one place

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want, if you knew that you could
You can have it all baby

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

came from zui's boarding house this pm.
its kinda hard getting used to such a quiet place,
especially when you just came from a place
where loud is the norm,
and nobody complains...
MOST TIMES...
for me, at least.
but there are really times
when you cant help but shut up
for fear of being taken too seriously
or not at all.
or out of delicadeza
or out of spite

but whatever the reason,
you have to ask the question, "why?"
why am i like that?
i know that sometimes
we should shut up,
and i know that i dont
but on other times, why do i still?
but i cant help it
and theyre not helping

im gonna shut up now!

memories and what ever else

i was strolling through the office intranet a few days ago, its the only thing i can search, since they took away our internet. but in any case, i came across some pictures some person took on a trip to dumanjug. surprisingly, the person took pictures of the big house, looking grand in its freshly painted, still-being-restored state.
The big house is one of the family heritages the family is trying to restore. and in its process, the ouse was stripped down, as behind the walls, termites were slowly eating at the hardwood haligis. the posts, and the entire area was then treated with solignum to kill the termites and keep them from coming back. then one by one, the deco and designs of the house were slowly repaired to bring them back to their perfect state.
although its far from being completed, the construction works are slowly beginning to return the true beauty of the house. it may take time, effort, will, and matter to finish it, but it will have to be done, for if it were just painted over, it wouldn't look as good in the end, nor would it last as long. for painting over a crumbling wall, or a rotting post may hide it, but it can never stop the destruction. the wall will still crumble, and the post will still rot. there are really no shortcuts, and you have to destroy to build.
and the house will be finished, no matter how long it will take. because we want it to.

damgo

its funny to window shop
well sometimes at least
whats the point in wishing for something you can never have

hinuon, kung bisan naa nay bayad ang tanan
libre man gihapon ang pagdamgo
kasagaran, mahal man ang mga baligya
dili gyud maaford

pero naa gyud usahay nga bisan makay pa,
di gyud pwede paliton
parehas sa rolls royce,
royalty ra daw ang makapalit
pero damgo man na
anything can happen
even the impossible
especially the impossible

pero ang pagdamgo, adunay apan
sa atong pagbakod,
pagbiya sa atong ginagmayng kalipay
mupahilabaw man gyud ang kaguol
nga di gyud nato maabot ang atong gipagdamgo
ang atong mga imposibleng pangandoy
ug ato na sang atubangon ang pagkawalay hinungdan gna mga kinabuhi
ang atong pagkagubot nga pagpuyo

mao nang magsige na lang tag balik balik sa pagdamgo
bisan kung unsa kini ka sakit paghuman
kay sa maskin kadyot lang nga panahon
nalipay ka
ug kana, igo antusan.

I'm Sorry

It’s cold here in the city
It always seems that way
And I’ve been thinking about you almost everyday
Thinking about the good times
Thinking about the rain
Thinking about how bad it feels alone again

I’m sorry for the way things are in China
I’m sorry things ain’t what they used to be
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
‘Cause you’re not here with me

Our friends ask all about you
I say you’re doing fine
And I expect to hear from you almost anytime
But they all know I’m crying
I can’t sleep at night
They all know I’m dying down deep inside

I’m sorry for all the lies I told you
I’m sorry for the things I didn’t say
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
I can’t believe you went away

I’m sorry if I took some things for granted
I’m sorry for the chains I put on you
But more than anything else
I’m sorry for myself
For living without you

follow me

It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done
To be so in love with you and so alone

Follow me where I go what I do and who I know
Make it part of you to be a part of me
Follow me up and down all the way and all around
Take my hand and say you’ll follow me

It’s long been on my mind
You know it’s been a long, long time
I’ve tried to find the way that I can make you understand
The way I feel about you and just how much I need you
To be there where I can talk to you
When there’s no one else around

Follow me where I go what I do and who I know
Make it part of you to be a part of me
Follow me up and down all the way and all around
Take my hand and say you’ll follow me

You see I’d like to share my life with you
And show you things I’ve seen
Places that I’m going to places where I’ve been
To have you there beside me and never be alone
And all the time that you’re with me
We will be at home

Follow me where I go what I do and who I know
Make it part of you to be a part of me
Follow me up and down all the way
Take my hand and I will follow you

its not just about enough rest that matters i guess.
i have had ample sleep for the past few days,
still i do not feel refreshed.
i ralize that rest is not just the factor.
recreation is also part of the ballgame.
they go together. one without the other
is meaningless
i need a break.
beach kaha.
interested?
what happened to beach sa bus2?
uban ko! hehe...

eggs

why do people call it walking on eggshells?
i mean, why eggshells?
is there something wrong with walking on stupid eggshells?
i mean, i would understand if you were walking on eggs.
you might break them.
but eggshells???
theyre already broken anyway so whats the problem
stupid!

just like how it feels to be not at home in your own house
theres gotta be somthing wrong with that!
when you start counting favors and friendships turn to numbers
there has got to be something wrong with that
what is up people?
can you not understand that we are together in world that is not ours?
who are you to say what i can and cannot do?
just as who am i to say what you can do?
i do not imagine to be perfect.
but i do strive for perfection,
with the knowledge that i can never achieve it.
or that i can achieve it in such i am perfect because i tried.
ant the only way to know that is to know what i did wrong
and correct it. i may be hardheaded at times
but i do try to correct myself.
i try to accept that i am not faultless.

at least i imagine myself to be doing so.
am i wrong? tell me.
and i really do wish people were more like that.
then perhaps there would be less of problems.

circumnavigation

the madness cannot be deciphered by just a
single tear
its depth is unfathomable
stirring within this rigid soul
is the surging rage of lies untold
the damned is done with weeping for me
even i ceased to breathe
the air that comes from the one
who made me cry to my heart's content
would that be so insanely ironic
that weeping became such a habit
and self pity is like a song
that i sing over and over to myself
yet no matter how hard i toil
i end up being where i am
loving, crying, hurting
and then loving again
it would seem that there's no point
in running away from my pain
it chases me even to the ends of the earth
it shadows my every path
a path that leads me to only one being
and that is you...

===
~plum

was it me again?
i dont think so.
but then again am not really sure.
paranoia!

stupid tagboard!

for all that i have ever done but shouldnt have,
for all that i didnt do but should have,
for all that i may do,
i am sorry.
but sorry doesnt cover it, i know,
and it has been repeated
over and over
many times before
and more from now

i am at fault, i admit as much
and the guilt hounds me every waking moment of my days
you think when i see you, i am not reminded
of the magnimosity of my mistake
u think i do not cry?
in my solitude, tears fill my eyes
the guilt, the sorrow

thoughtless you call me, perhaps i am
insensitive? maybe.
call me callow even, whatever suits your fancy
i will not be angered,
for the convict should not be angry
at the victim of his crimes
as a criminal sentenced to his suffering
i will accept mine fate with downcast eyes

i am not perfect
i have my shortcomings
i never said i didnt
these are some of them
but let it not be said that i did not try
i do try
despite everything
i do
i try not to show the frustrations building up inside me
i work, and do nothing and it bothers me
i study, and i learn nothing and it bothers me
i am tired
i am stressed out
but i do try

i try to understand the inanities of data com
i try to absorb the depth of java
i try to find bugs and log those stupid ptrs that get quirked or deffered anyway
i try to research about anything and everything related to our project
i try to read these jungle of data and information presented upon me
i try to visualize and plan the layout of this project
i try to help in as much as i can those that ask for my help
i try on all these, among others
and most of all,
i do try to do my share in the research of this project
i do try to be there when you need me
as i should be

human as i am, i do get tired
i do get stressed
i do get frustrated

i dont know what led me to act the way i did,
i just want to say, that i never meant to
i know i said i will be there
i try not to make promises i cant keep
and i truly meant to be there
i wanted to be there
but i wasnt
and its all there is to it
i made a mistake
and its all there is to it
no amount of excuses and apologies
could ever undo what has been done

i would truly understand if we have to end it here
i just wish we didnt have to
peace!

in the clearing stands a boxer
and a fighter by his trade
and he carries the reminder
of every glove that laid him down
or cut him till he cried out
in his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving!"
but the fighter still remains

growing old

tiguwang na gyud cguro ko noh?!
ga sige na lang man kug reminisce sa mga saunang panahon,
nga ang problema, ma sulbad ra dayon
ug dili gyud ma buwag ang atong panaghiusa.
apan karon, wala na.
ngano man?
na unsa na man ta oi?!
ka puro na lang sekreto
puro na lang kaikog
dili na man gyud ta mag inistoryahanay.
kapoy man mag huna huna sa mga away away
ug dili pag sinabtanay sa uban
mas maayo man gyud nga wala na lang gyuy sikret-sekreto
kung naa kay isulti, sulti dayon
mas sakit man nga mahibawan gikan sa lain
na unsa na man ta oi!
mag sige na lang man gyud ug away.
ang mga tao, gamay lang lihok,
mubuto na man.
gamay lang kuhit, mu angal na man
gamay lang kablit, mangluod na dayon
para nako, sa kadugay na natong nagkuyog,
milapas na man unta ta ani.
apan ngano wala man?
plastic ra diay to tanan?
kaluoy na lang sad pud nato.
walal na lang sad gyud to ni tubo.
wala man gyud koy problema ba.
apan naniguwang na lang gyud ko
niining duha ka semana

steps taken

i really cant stop anything from happening. events will come as they come. all we can do is deal. how to deal? watch the movie!
don't recall the movie but anyway.
have so much to talk about, but really, theres no time now.
have to work tomorrow and its already getting late. 59 project5s taking most of my net time. but anyway, will try to blog again soon. maybe then, i can finally write what i have to say.
see you all!

la lang

so, 50% turn out isnt so bad right?
i mean, look at the last elections,
less than 50 percent probably voted
so it cant be so bad that i only went to half my classes today
at least i was on time for work!

if this day is any indication to
the way that my days are going to be like in the near future,
then i am bound to fail this sem
ill just be spending the time
in the apartment.

which is really nice, by the way.
but a lot of issues still need to be settled
like the burner.

anyway, got to go home
c u ol l8r!

what confuses me the most
is the way you handled knowing
how I truly feel about you...
sometimes it would seem
that you wanted to stay away,
sometimes its likely that
you're gonna stick around...
which ever way,
I'm still a thousand times
grateful for the company...~~plum~~

as im writing this, im approaching my 22 hour of no sleep. been onlyn since 11 last nyt and april and jms have come and gone.i dont want to go home until maybe after 4. i dont really know why. all my plans for today have gone down the drain and i no longer feel like leaving the house after i leave this office. everywhere i look in this room, theres a reminder of the sugba thing tomorrow. boxes of sauce, basins of meat, tshirts, flyers, blah blah blah.

i dont get it. i dont get her. i thought she wanted it. she acted like she didnt. and she asked me if i will. irritating. whatever. maybe she asked out of... whatever.
damn it. ive made different plans. now these plans wont push through and so im left with nothing to do. i need rest anyway, but that is besides the point. my point is, i schedule my plans as they come. if i have something planned, i rarely change it for anything else unless i have to, or i can do so with agreement from related people.

and i have. so i couldnt just change it. until they did. now my schedules all wrong and i dont know what im doing. people! so hard to understand. cant understand simple order of things. fine then!if you dont want me, i cant help you. tell me to leave, and by God, you can have a whole world to yourself.

whatever. im sleepy. got to go home now. goodbye!

to plum

i would just to come straight out and express my greatest thanks to van for her wonderful words of love and life. it really brightens up my days. i hope you dont mind, i took the liberty of placing some of them here, and also a link to your site.

please tell me if you object in any way.

thanks plum

doldrums

so what happened?
all in all, it has been a very insightful,
would i guess suffice, few days.
ive learned a lot
things that i should know but didnt
or didnt want to know
no matter, in the end,
ive been through it all
and ive learned
hopefully i shall grow from it,
but i think not
thats wishful thinking
as ropes begin to unravel,
and the wall begins to crumble,
its heartening to know,
that sometimes,
theres something you can hang on to
even for just a while
one problem is solved, as it can be
another remains.
and whats left is harder
as the problem is known only to me
and it is only my problem
one way of solving it
would be to let it go
but its not so simple
when its staring you right in the face
all i can say
is that if i ever did anything wrong
against you or what not
i am truly sorry
and this
i cannot act on which i do not know
tell me

This is fun!

1) Go to Google.com. (www.google.com)
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction" but don't hit the enter button.
3) Instead, hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button next to the normal Google
"Search" button.
4) An "ERROR MESSAGE" appears. READ THE ERROR MESSAGE.

Someone at Google has a political sense of humor.

CARPE MOMENTO!

seize the moment!

what do i really know about tomorrow?
what do i really know about today?
nothing really
all i know is that today, i am here
i am where i am, and no where else
what do i have to live for tomorrow
if i cant get through this moment
now is the only time in the world
there is no other time
tomorrow never comes.
for when tomorrow arrives,
it ceases to become tomorrow
and starts to become today.
so tomorrow never comes
every moment is fleeting
so live each moment ad you want it to be
not as you think it should be

but know

someones always watching

"Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be just an illusion."

in all the days that I have lived
It had never occurred to me how much
i have wasted my time
on things without purpose
now that i have grown
i pray that wisdom might permit me
to live a life for someone else
and to let others see
the love that God gave me
~plum~

a cry

A silent cry
before I depart
into the real world of pain...

I AM HERE...

to be or not to be

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

arghhh!!!!!!!!!

does everyone in this world hate me one way or another???
i know i irk everyone once in every while
i know that i do so many stupid things
i know i make a whole lot of mistakes
i know that i am not one to be liked
i know all that
wouldnt you think so?
but is it too much to expect a little consideration???
i do try.
i really do
i know that i cant please everyone
i but i cant try to do so while i can
within means of course.
if you dont like me go ahead and say it to my face
if you got something to say, go ahead and say it
i can take it
what the hell do you think i am???
scared?
hell yes!
but i will face it to my last dying breath
than run away, scared, cowardly.
that is shame
i may be many things,
but i have my honor.
and i intend to keep it.
i know that i am tactless, unthinking, and indolent
but what i think is right, i do
if you think im wrong,
challenge me
if i lose a challenge
i have the dignity to accept it
i learn when i am at fault
there is no man in this earth who i cant face with my head held high
no one.

it starts... again!

ok so again, classes will again go fullswing
am i ready??? as i'll ever be
i can't wait for it to start
at last, i have something definite to do
too much in fact

what the research thing?
absolutely no idea on what to do
but i'll deal
i always have
don't know how,
but i will

take it one at a time
who knows, maybe i'll die tomorrow
and this will all be history

me no like da classmates on many of them classes
they're too conceited
and the worst disease that a man can get
is conceit

anyway, we shall see
whether we like it or not,
we'll see

can't wait for july.
so i can finally get on with my plans
plans that ussually don't pull through
but hey, things could change!

right???

whats the worst that can happen? i can only kill me!

99 for a moment

if you got a hundred years to live, 99 would seem like a moment
how could anyone afford to live that long
rising fares, prices, smoke
what is there to live for
people are not the people they use to be
change and "maturity". Hah!
people change. rarely mature.
everything and everyone is getting harder to understand.
to work is to tire
the rest is the same
whats there to live for?
99 is a moment
i dont think i even want to reach that
i dont think i even want to see tomorrow
or maybe im just 99 for a moment

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

This will blow your mind...!


Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!


Try this its actually quite good.


But don't cheat!


Count the number of F's in the following text:


FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS




Managed it?


Scroll down only after you have counted them!












OK?


How many?







Three?









Wrong, there are six - no joke!



Read again!




FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".


Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.



Now forward this to all of your friends and back to the person who sent
it to you, but for the subject write if you got it right or wrong. And
please don't lie because it will spoil all the fun of this forward!

an ode to jessica zafra

Message: at last those egotistical caucasians have
fallen under the sway of philippine rule. no
longer may we contend with frigging miss universe
pageants hoping that another dumbass pinoy chick
falls on her heels and gain us a place in the top
ten.

nope. im sure uv already witnessed the grand
scheme hatched by the pinoys in american idol.
now, those puny americans have witnessed the
metaconcerted effort of the pinoy in the most
powerful form of mind coercion---entertainment.
not just minor entertainment mind you---im
talking hollywood, baby. it was merely third
place, but still---one must contend with what one
gets. and we have reached the inner gates so to
speak.

whereas bin laden has to blow up those twin
towers in new york to gain worldwide infamy, we
merely send a waif of a child into hollywood to
divide the american peoples. where this fugitive
arab has to acquire, train, feed and clothe his
spies---we simply vote our "american idol" and
let her divide and conquer. with pinoy skills
too, proving that you dont need real talent to
gain position into the "top." one simply needs to
know people, and in this female agent's case whom
we shall designate as agent J, people with
texting capabilities.

o great mentor, i submit to you my abilities:
the metafaculties of julian may, the ironies of
joseph heller, and the weirdness of stephen king
as well as the eroticism of ann rice for i
require such things. hearken to the cry of one
who serves you faithfully! i await the day i may
stand by your side and join upon this great war.
for the day of the battle is imminent when we
must take arms. you with your broadsword, and i,
with my japanese kitana blade with a made in
taiwan label in the inner sanctum of its hilt.

answer my call, o great one!

whatta

what a day.

tere's party.
jms party.
and then some.

what a day.

FEELINGS (ONE OF A KIND)

I feel love, but I cannot show it
And cannot say it
I feel fear, but
I was frightened out of showing it long ago
I feel sad, but
My eyes have forgotten how to cry
I feel everything is my problem
To help to solve, but
My help is not wanted
I say things I feel I should, but
They are taken the wrong way
I feel I must show friendship, but
That is not wanted
I feel I can help, but
I am pushed away
And locked out
Because
I don't belong
I am lonely
For I am different
Distant
And one of a kind.
Copyright© Myia Shepherd of Brisbane Australia

POEM OF LIFE

Life is but a stopping place,
A pause in what's to be,
A resting place along the road,
to sweet eternity.
We all have different journeys,
Different paths along the way,
We all were meant to learn some things,
but never meant to stay...
Our destination is a place,
Far greater than we know.
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.
And when the journey finally ends,
We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the lord.
Author Unknown

troubled waters

rivers are fast becoming past in this place. at least those worth commenting about. and seeing a strange sight of a river flowing hurriedly down the path of obscurity, such is our feeling of great elation that we hear the call of the swiftly flowing waters beckon us to immerse ourselves for just a fleeting moment on its cool and caressing embrace. picturesque as it is, waters are not safe, especially for those who don't know how to swim. foolish it is to temp fate, even for swimmers, good as they are. for why swim in troubled waters, when there lies a perfectly good bridge right ahead. save your swimming for when there is none the waters are not as treacherous.

reality flash! it probably dirty anyway.

time

time doesn't fly, nor does it flow...

it disappears.

there and back again

so, after a long long long long time of idleness,
i finally get the chance to post again.
and what is there to write about????


NOTHING!


i'm too tired to think.
no sleep.
i sleep at 12 and wake up at 5.
you call that sleep?
after a days work?

i mean, work isnt what i thought it would be.
i knew it would be a hassle, but i didnt imagine this
its tiring.
and not the least bit enjoyable.
the pressure, the stress

i need to get out of this city,

FAST!

sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano
trying hard to capture the moment,
darling i dont know

thats all we ever do, sit!

were getting paid to sit!
yipee!
my kind of job!
hehe...

busy busy busy


got to get some sleep!

i can't say anything...

they made us sign a confidentiality contract...

my lips are sealed...

ziiiiipppp!

mmmppp!

la

lala



lalala





lalalala





lalala



lala

la

boring! why is it that maboring man dayon ang tao after a few minutes of doing nothing? kanikanina lang, nag laag2x pa gud mi ni den, karon kay wala na man sad ko mabuhat kay di man d.i ko pwede muapply ug bagong id sa summer kay ala man ko study load. so sa 1st sem na sad ko maka apply ug id ani! and so now, la gyud ko lain mabuhat, except mag anhi anhi sa skul kay boring man gyud kaayo sa balay and nakalakaw na man gyud ko and sayang man kung dili lang nako lubos-luboson. kapoy baya kaayo mubiya sa balay. pero diri pud, ga klase man gud na ang mga tawo. ganahan ko adto ayala, pero mahal na man. makagasto pa unya ta nga inihap na raba ni ang cash para summer. kapoy ug walay allowance oi! pero cge lang, think na lang ta nga practice para sa time nga naa na trabaho. kanang self-supporting na kunuhay ta. mura na man sad hinuon ni ug self-supporting ko. ako ra man daw bahala sa ako allowance. so mao na, lisod kaayo ang cash karon. man nag-internet pa gyud, mao na ni karon. pobre na gyud tag sayo ani. basin maka utang pa hinuon ta, nga dako na raba kaayo tag utang. so far, mga 1300? have to pay that soon. and

there i was, waiting for a chance, hoping that you'll understand the things i want to say...

close call...

waiting... waiting for the call. the call that will tell us whether we passed or not. and whether it is 4 or 8 hours, and how much the compensation. im thinking, if 4 hours ra ang lexmark, should i join the others sa gsis? pila sad kaha na sila ka slots available? sayang man gud ang adlaw. mulaka ko just for 4 hours? what happens to the rest of the day? better to work, para productive. na kaha 4 hour shift sa jobbi? :) i need something to kill the time with. thinking about morning sa gsis, lexmark sa pm, and ama sa nyt. its one long journey to mandaue. but i already have lexmark, and maybe i should just let others have gsis, pero if daghan d.i kaayo ang slots or unlimited, then sayang ang chance. what to do? but it all hinges on lexmark, maybe they will give us 8 hours for the summer, then ampay kaayo. la na gyud hasol. kanindot gyud unta sa kinabuhi. pero... whatever.

the question of the week. nadawat na ba gyud mi sa lexmark??? i would hope so. but i dont want to get ahead of myself. kay what if wala, man daghan na kog na plano, or na andam or what... ma.unsa na lang kaha? mura ra gud gihapon sa lotto nga gipalit kagahapon. karon pang gabii ang draw, pero nindot kaayo hunahunaon nga makadaog, pero still, you wouldnt want to get ahead of yourself, kay gamay ra gud ang chance nga matinuod. but still, what does this all mean? gipamedical na mi nila nga tag 1000 plus ang gasto, mugasto ba kaha na sila if la pa mi na dawat? highly unlikely, but what if? i really hope nga nadawat gyud pero if you want for something too much, and you prepare for it, it ussually doesnt happen. i dont want to get ahead of myself. but the compounding problem is my dad's condition that i can take a summer course if and only if i am accepted at lexmark and i pay for my allowance via the allowance at lexmark? if i am only to know about lexmark by thursday, at the earliest, then what of my ama course of which the enrolment is today? should i then assume that nadawat na ko, para lang makaenrol? and if wala? and another nail, i dont think lexmark's allowance is enough to cover for my transpo expences and meals for summer, granting that they will only allow us 4 hours a day instead of the planned 8 hours. the wall that was built is fragile, and it wont be long before it comes down.

we are fast approaching graduation as if! and it is high time to begin taking life seriously. sometimes! so do what we can to prepare all we can and we do it no matter how tough. the future of this venture may not be clear, and we may or may not reach its end, but i will come out of it saying, i tried. and when the time comes when my head must bow to the fate that await in my path, i will take it all, with naught but a sigh for i know in my heart that its all i can do, and tomorrow is another try. i may leave all this with sadness for having not completed my quest, but it will not be with my head down low and a heart filled with regret. i will leave thjis happy knowing i faught as valiantly as any could have. i will not stop fighting until i am unable to or i have reached my journey's end. that is mission.

rxns2rmbles

love and like. maybe its just be, but i cant help but feel abhorred by mr/ms??? tamkin's pronouncement that he/she hates love. i would admire a man who would truly hate man for some particular valid reason but it is apparent to me that his premise is wrong in that he primarily misdefined love.

As far as i can see, mr tamkin relates the meaning of love as to dating and one night stands. in that his allegory is wrong. if you would refer to love as that, then how can he justify loving his family, his beer, and his pie, as he so writes in the latter part of his text. does he mean then that he dates his family, his beer, and his pie? does he sleep with them? i would hardly think so. i will refrain from taking shotputs at mr tamkin but i will just continue on my own dire monologue.

true, love requires sacrifice, compromise, and most of all, commitment. it is not to be taken lightly. you may care for them. you may love them to some degree, but you cannot truly love them, unless you feel for them, you get to know them, commit to them. to sacrifice and commit means to offer your life to share it with someone else. that is love, as a partner. but there is also love as a brother and sister, father and mother, teacher, neighbor, and friend. but those are beyond the scope of mr tamkin's pronouncements. he emphasized more on the partnership side, so that is what i critique.

to share your life entails that everything must be shared, the good and bad, the past and the future. it requires much, true, so as i said, it cannot be taken lightly, and it is not the same as dating, nor sex.

but i do admit that singleness brings freedom, and with it, its joys. it comes often rarely, and it should be enjoyed, as it is enjoyable. but i do not believe in liking. i prefer LOVE in friendship.

begging you all a thousand pardons for my impropriety but i really am a hopeless romantic. and i fully believe in love, at the right time.

so were back. that was it. the excitement that has built up for the past 5 or so months have come to past and what have i to show for it??? absolutely nothing.
so was the tour really that bad??? no! it was great! but it could have been better. Damned bus rides! if we only got more activities than bus rides, it could have been perfect. its tiring being cooped up on a bus for so long. it gets claustrophobic after a while. and it also gets to be monotonous. it becomes just another day. thats my problem. i adjust to anything they give me. excitement dissipates rather quickly. but nothing can be perfect, so off and on, it was the best that it could be.
if not for somethings...

Famous Quotes...love them, hate them, i dont
care!!! happy vacation peeps

***********************************************

"Live hard, die young, leave a beautiful
corpse." -James Dean

"Our existence deforms the universe. That's
responsibility." -Neil Gaiman

"I'd rather be hated for who I am rather than
loved for who I pretend to be." -Janis Joplin

"Hope for the best, expect the worst. Life is a
play. We're unrehearsed."

"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go
back in the same box." -Italian Proverb

"One never notices what has been done; one can
only see what remains to be done." -Marie Curie

"Music and women I cannot but give way to,
whatever my business is." -Samuel Pepys

"Live like you'll die tomorrow. Dream like you'll
live forever." -unknown

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what
I am in search of." -unknown

"I never think of the future. It comes soon
enough." -Albert Einstein

"Leadership is the ability to hide your panic
from others." -unknown

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but usually manages to pick himself up, walk over
or around it, and carry on." -Winston Churchill

"I never hated any man enough to give him his
diamonds back." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Life and love is all there is. Everything else
is 'surface ditties'." -Ruth Banick

"In this Century, we've got to astonish people.
One can't charm them anymore." -Jules Verne,
Paris au XXe siecle

"Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the
most." -unknown

"When choosing between two evils, I always like
to try the one I've never tried before." -Mae West

thanks to b-ver

blind eyes will never see the truth
the blind heart will never feel the rapture of
the soul
a heart offered to someone believe to be true
will be of nothing
and will never be consoled for all its suffering
thy blind heart will cease to be adored
thy blind eyes will never see the bright tomorrow
of the angel's touch
will never be adored by the angel within the
shadows
wil never more be protected from the cold rain
nor from the harsh southern winds
thy heart will never see the face hidden by the
shadows
awaiting the final curtain call
thou will wait in vain
thy waiting wil be consoled by nothing more but
thy own tears
this is goodbye
a farewell from the angel from the shadows
a farewell to someone once adored
a farewell to what might have been
a farewell to my wings' warmth in the cold of the
nights
a farewell to the songs that i might sing in the
evening till dawn break
farewell, farewell, farewell
farewell to the hands that might wipe the bitter
tears on thy cheeks
farewell to someone awaitig the shadows brought
by the evening mist
farewell to thearms that would have embraced thou
in thy moment of despair
farewell, farewell, farewell

thanks to grandier!blind eyes will never see the truth
the blind heart will never feel the rapture of
the soul
a heart offered to someone believe to be true
will be of nothing
and will never be consoled for all its suffering
thy blind heart will cease to be adored
thy blind eyes will never see the bright tomorrow
of the angel's touch
will never be adored by the angel within the
shadows
wil never more be protected from the cold rain
nor from the harsh southern winds
thy heart will never see the face hidden by the
shadows
awaiting the final curtain call
thou will wait in vain
thy waiting wil be consoled by nothing more but
thy own tears
this is goodbye
a farewell from the angel from the shadows
a farewell to someone once adored
a farewell to what might have been
a farewell to my wings' warmth in the cold of the
nights
a farewell to the songs that i might sing in the
evening till dawn break
farewell, farewell, farewell
farewell to the hands that might wipe the bitter
tears on thy cheeks
farewell to someone awaitig the shadows brought
by the evening mist
farewell to thearms that would have embraced thou
in thy moment of despair
farewell, farewell, farewell

thanks to grandier

Chances Are
by : Fad

How would I know
If a person is really meant for me?
What should I do
To determine whether it is true?

What stories would I tell
To start a conversation with her
And eventually confess to her
The emotions building up inside of me?

Will the signs
Be clear enough for one to actually see them,
Not so unlike with walking in the dark
Knowing not what you might stepped upon

And what should I do
If I mistakenly took things all quite wrong
When she only meant to have me
Nothing more than just a friend

Should I cry in the middle of the night
Weeping like an abandoned infant
And in spite of the sweetness of the day
Looking at the sky but staring aimlessly

Will everybody perceive me as a fool
For stupidly taking her actions into words?
Words that I long to hear in her lips,
Words that would feed my heart with the pleasure of being loved

Should I take the chance
And bear all the consequences of my idiocy
Or should I just dream of it
Wishing that in my dreams, it might just truly happen?

Whom should I listen to,
The voice that dictates my mind and thoughts
Or the silence I hear
When my heart stops beating whenever she’s near

This is truly, totally unfair
When she is living her life the way she wants
Oblivious to my anguish and upheaval
And here I am, suffering from this uncertainty

Should I or should I not?
Will she have me or not?
With all this thinking,
I sink deeper into the abyss of obscurity

If only things will agree with me,
Chances are…
I might just have her.

If anybody has an mp3 of this song or knows where to get one, please tell me. i really need it.
Many people say..........True friends are hard to find..........But I know I'm not that kind.............They come and go........And sometimes leave us behind......Like a wind that passes by......................... 'Cause when you need a friend.............That you can depend..........You can count on me because............. I'm a true friend...............When you're feeling down........And your heart is hurt..............You can call on me..............And I will be there for you.....friend....... Good things may come...........And that bad things may go.............Like that love long time ago......... You're like a ship...........That's sailing across the sea.. Through waves that's so unkind................................ When you need a friend........That you can depend.... You can count on me because................................... I'm a true friend........When you're feeling down.......... And your heart is hurt.........You can call on me......... And I will be there for you............friend..................

im back!

remind me people, what were we doing in school last monday again??? i thought we were not supposed to have any classess?! we had something to do in school, i just know it. i just dont know what. pasenya.i ang kalimtanon.

anyway, as ive said before, my trust is not easily shaken. i have faith in people. i am quiet proud of that. and i think i am a passive person. thats why i am not inclined to act. i have nothing against anyone. everything will stand as it it stands when we get to it. lets think of the projects first. john is right, we should start consulting teachers now. who knows what could happen. kinsa ato adviser???? as usual, i will not decide, unless i have to. i have nothing more to say.

summer is at long last here. days of tranquil restiveness. days reserved for nothing but leisure and laying back, most of the time anyway.

but that was then. now is a different story. yesterday, i would have told you of my carefree summer plans. i would have talked of better days to come. but again, that was yesterday, and today is a whole new day. a glooming peace enveloped the day. the sun refused to show his welcome light upon this dreary day, but it was all the more fitting to the sadness that befell me. i realize now, that despite by efforts, i may have to retake ee21 this summer.
in better circumstances, it would have been somewhat acceptable, true, i may still be sad and troubled, but i would have been fine afterward knowing that i could do nothing about it. but this was different. i did do something about it. i studied the subject for three freakin days. i was adept at solving the problems upto the topics that we discussed. for what? for an exam that exceeded the coverage of our lesson. for his usual end of sem torment of masked as an exam. and with his taunting smile. fuck him! he isnt worth my time.
he is not worth ranting about. i will act calmly and rationally. i will see the positive side in all this. like how i will no longer be bored in the summer. like how i will have an allowance. like how i will be spared from work at home. what else? there must be more.
but that is all a lie. it is sad to fail. especially when it comes unexpectedly. i really thought that i would ace this test. and i would have too, had he stuck with the coverage. stupid git of a stupid teacher. with your stupid lousy ideologisms and so called principles that you bent according to your whims and whams. you are nothing but a self egotistic, conceited braggart who enjoys tormenting he poor unfortunate souls that happen to pass by your hands. you mask in your principles your true character of prudeness and evil. anyway, you are not worth my time. i would rather take this subject again and again than beg you for grades. i would sooner drop from school than subject myself to your mercy. you are not my keeper, and i take no quarter from you. to hell with you, you vile insolent bastard! i am so much more than you in more ways than you can imagine. i dont need you. i hate you! i hate you!

united we fall, divided we fall.
let me cut this short. i am not one to complain. true, i give opinions, solicited or not, one in a while, but i will not complain. i believe in passivity. i take what is coming along. and if and when i do speak up, please forgive me if i ever come off as bossy, know it all or conceited. i am not really. i just comeoff that way. tell me what is wrong with me, and i will do what i can to correct myself. and if ever i fail to, tell me again, so i might try again. anyway, having said that, let me state my opinion.

the grouping for the 5th year project is somewhat objectionable to me. the grouping is really not that very fair. now i'm not complaining. if it is what it is, then thats it. i wont change that. its just that, if my opinion is asked, i would reply that the division is not very fair. i am not against any one of you mind you. nor i would say that i am for. ryt. but what im saying is, based on the talents, capabilities, and attitude that ive seen, the division is really amendable. but that is my opinion. and i will just put it at that. but, as usual, i will leave it to the group to decide. i will survive with whatever is handed to me. i always have, so what else is new. but i will say this ahead of time, i am not deciding what project to do. i will just do what the others decide. thats that.

oh, i dont hold grudges. whatever grudge i may have, it is always gone by the morning. trust me. thats the character of the forgetful.

i think i know what my problem is. i am too clingy. if something gets into my mind, i can't let it go until i find closure. i dont really know what this closure that i'm looking for is, but i need it nonetheless.
maybe the best solution would be to learn how to let go, not just in the aspects of love and like, but in the things of life as well. maybe i should just return to my carefree days when i cared for nobody but me. when my actions were dictated by no one but me, when i could make my own decisions. i can't anymore. its not that i cant make them. its that i dont want to decide for people who are capable of deciding for themselves. i dont like deciding if my decisions affect the future of others. i dont like to be responsible for others. i am having a hard time as it is taking responsibility for my ownself. but it seems that responsibility is always thorown my way. what is it that they see in me? do they really see me capable of this role? or are they just giving me this since no one else wants it.
but i digress. i wish i could getback to the days when my life was much simpler. when i could be happy in solitude feeling the wonders that the mountain brings. gone are those times. gone are my principles in life, replaced with uncertainty. replaced with hardness. but going back to those days would also mean losing all that i have now. i need closure first before i can do anything.

and closure is coming soon.

euphoria n. (1)a feeling of great happiness or well being. (2) a feeling of great, ussually exagerated elation.

i think euphoria should have been moved to sometime after finals, to match the feeling of great joy that we all feel after having done with this year, whether or not badly. but then again, no one would come so anyway...

i was not euphoric at euphoria. in fact, i was kinda melancholic. as usual, for the same reasons. my euphoria came into the night. and it has continued to this day. i am still in my state of euphoria. i dont know why i am still this way. i dont know what tomorrow brings but i will be remembering for a while this state i am in, when despite of my monumental problems, i have achieved to be happy, and stayed that way for at least a few days. this is so unlike my late self. perhaps tomorrow, i will be moody again. perhaps i will be sad. but for even this short amount of time, i was happy. and that is all that matters, euphoria.

its the little things that matter to me. they really do.
its just the feeling that comes when the night wind blows. something like those excursions that we took with my neighbors, a few years back, or the going home trips with the people a while ago. it was fun, in more ways than one. god i miss those days.
people are so serious now. before, we had outings every sem or so. now, its more of food and malls. theres really not much time for trips anymore. and these trips are always the most memorable.

this is it.
the last leg of this so called best semester of my college life. i mean, pilot class?! come on! i just can't wait for this hell to be over. what you learn in school really depends on your teacher, right? if the teacher doesn't know a thing, or doesn't know how to teach, then woe to the students, for they won't get very far. imagine my classes. a techer who was not there for half the sem, the ridiculously impossible psychopath, the mute fairy, the halfling who turned into the grinchette??? the prejudicial juror, the student-teacher. all i can say is that it had its ups and downs. but if you take the fourier transform of the sine-cosine equation of happiness against time, you could derive a line asymtotic to the horizontal with but minute variance in signal. whatever!
and so we must face this last step before were finally free of this sufferance. this lat week will be the test of our capacity to cram the length of a sem into one single week. but that is easy, after all, there's always next sem. and summer, and next year. there's always next time. it is not the end. and after all, how sure are we to fail, isn't that a bit pessimistic? who is to say that they've learned nothing this entire time? there should be at least a trace of knowledge that seeped into our skulls at one point or another right??? right??? but as usual, we must take it all in stride. there's no use worrying. worrying only gets you down, breaking your concentrtion, thus bringing you down further. and what would worry accomplish? if you ask me, its better just to let it go. just do what you can do at that moment in time. the rest is up to the gods in the heavens, or what, depending on your religion. leave tomorrow to tomorrow, and should time comes that life would be bitter, then swallow it all with just a spoonful of sugar. or maybe im just making an excuse for not studying?! maybe. but still, whatever. jsut live life as it comes. there's is really little use to plan. the probability that thigs will go awry is always 1, or close to it. if things go wrong, fine. whatever happens, fine. such is life.
with everyday, we come a day closer to freedom, to some its in a few days, to others, more, to mine, in a while. but things will happen, believe me. the doors will be broken, and we will be set free.






summer, here we come!!!!!!!!

I know im weird, i know that.
I wouldnt blame anyone if they hate me.
I am an easy person to talk to, I believe.
Just tell me what you want done, and it shall be done
but i cannot make your decisions for you.
i am having a hard enough time making my own.
but i will go on as i have,
i hope you will understand.



just rambling

reach out and touch

sa tanan. pasensya na lang gyud ha. kung naa man gyud moy maga kalagot og dili ba mga kapungutan sa ako, palihog kog ingon na lang gyud diretso sa ako kay medyo slow man gud ako mind, dili man ko ka kita ug mga suttle hints kung baga. man kung dili na man gyud madala, ingna ko dayon. para ma sabutan ta kini. ayaw na ang hilom2x ug kalit2x lang nga buto! pls lang.


pasensya na gyud kaayo!

shadows

shadows are insignifcant little details that ore often overlooked, especially in the brigh sun, the shadows seem to disappear. but they are there. if we would only care to look. signicant they may seem, but they are important to us at some point or another. where would we run to, when the brightness of the sun is too much to take, for too much of the sun can burn. where do we hide when we do not wish to be seen. who is forever with us, through the good times and the bad, the brightness and darkness, wether we wish for the or not. the shadows are ever there, if and when we need them. they never leave your side. they may be overlooked, but they are, and always will be, our true companions, in everything that we do. remember the shadows. remember.

T minus 28 days and counting...

the play

last thursday, we watched a little play in the rigney hall staged by the usc theatre guild. it was a story of a closet gay who is secretly in love with a boy who fondly calls him tiyo or uncle. the story of his unrequited love is known only to his nosy, but loving confidante, julie, i think! although the story is kind of not my type. gay men and the likes, more like josie's but whatever. what i really felt was the sadness in the situation. i mean, one loves the other, giving everything, expecting nothing, always hiding, without any question, without any doubts, but the other does not know. loving from afar. its a tale of love that many can relate to. and the story really hit the spot, not only mine, but of many of the viewers, i believe. those that were not touched are either, previously engaged, or plainly unromantic. it told of a story of truth that must be told, and love that must be given.

but the sad part is, as in most cases, the love offered is unwanted, unwelcome, and even hated. despite everything that has already been set, the closeness, the bond, the friendships, it is all thrown away, just because the truth came out, and things can never be the same, hanggang dito na lamang, at maraming salamot po!

im not saying that love can be bought by way of good works and service, it is not. it can only be invited. but it is a waste of everything. the bond, the relations, the status quo.

but anyway, the truth must come out, for the bright sun will bring it to light. and people will know. why not let it come from our mouths then? said by our very own voices, from our open hearts. and maybe, just maybe, it can invite an answer. it will come out sooner or later. why not make it sooner. as soon as possible. end this charade. the sooner you move on the better. the sun grows brighter everyday. and soon, it will bring all to light.

we must all be ready.

lack of time

how do you fit all that yuo must do to a span of 24 hours? like the show 24, which is stupid, since you never see the lead guy sleeping, he is awake for 24 hours. ryt. and he still looks as good as he does? o really now? but i digress, with all that we must do, i just wonder how to fit everything. how can i fit my classess, tutorial, projects, assignments, study time, relax time, travel time, and sleep time all in one day, and still manage to stay cool and aloof, somewhat normal.

i cant. its as simple as that. i cant. thats why im prone to mood swings, laziness, and sickness. or maybe im just being defensive. or worried. but you know, either way, i dont know!

huh?!

little things

we often miss the little things in life. they're too insignificant, we always say. but if we let pass the hundreds of thousands of little things that come by us day after day, minute after minute, we lforget that they do add up to so much. so much more than any of the big things that we are so concerned of are worth. we miss out. we fail to sample the little experiences in life that mean the most. we die.

for now, i see the little things. and they are hurting me, at times. but i know that sometimes they will bring me joy. and i will savor those moments yet to come, when they come. but it doesn't take the pain of today, but at least i can hope for a happier tomorrow. and i will take this all in stride, for they are part of life. they are the things that build us, that give us character. that show who we are.

stupid people. why do you insist on putting off thinks to the last minute. dont you know tht if you do that, you have to face the consequences of your decision. if you do that, don not expect everyone else to be there and help you. damn it. if you want to learn, study! thats th only way. i cannot go on and keep repeating to you what you should already know in the first place. if i do, we wont go anywhere. but on the other hand, were not going anywhere anyway since you can never understand the next topic until you have mastered the last. that is true in anything and everything. there are no shortcuts. you cant go on and expect me to always be there at your beck and call. damn it! i have a life, no matter how little it may be. but it is my life. i cannot just throw it all away to help you because you were stupid enough to leave it all to the last minute. because you were stupid enough not to study. because you were stupid enough to come to me. but then, your stupid, thats why you wanted to be tutored in the first place.

blahblahblah.
mapada again.
seva again
what else???

what does it take to make a connection?
why cant i?
damnit!
i hate being me!

Take life one day at a time

i dont really have any other choice, do i?
the paradogy of the indicisive.

there is little difference between opposites i suppose
this i learned from one of my favorite philosophers

how do you stop yourself
from doing something that you know to be bad
when your only other option
is something which you dont wish to happen
something that you know nothing of?

how do you make yourself try
to change your status in life
when you know that there
is never really any assurance?

there is never any assurance.
and so how can i make a choice.
so will it be forever that i must stick to my third option
that which, to do nothing?

perhaps.
icant decide.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?
-or-
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest
things to say.

Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If
you do, they might
break your heart...if you don't, you might break
theirs.


Have u ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of losing what you
already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it
doesn't.

You can't tell your heart what to do.

It does it on its own.... when you least suspect
it, or even when you
don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with
everything you had, but that other person was too
afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too
afraid to care too much...for fear that the other
person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone
because your fear of rejection was too hard to
handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid...

afraid of what we don't know,
afraid of what others will think,
afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear
grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to
jump.

my stupid mouth

i have a very dangerous mouth. i assume that someone knows and i talk too much. far too much.
im really sorry. especially to you. i will just shut up now.

ice cream and fries

sit with me and talk a while.
a tub of ice cream and a little fries
thats all you ever really need to survive.
that, and great company!

the world comes crashing down, piece by piece. nothing is sure anymore, all because of my own doing. why do i bring myself to this point? is there something in me that wants to hurt myself in such a way? what?!di na gyud nako makaya ang ingon ani nga trabaho! its one problem after another. and i really dont feel like studying anymore! i mean, whats the point? were all bound to fail anyway!

well, maybe not, if i really put my self into it, but its a pretty good excuse. i mean, its is hard, maybe impossible to try your best when you really have no inclination to do so. the teachers are of no help at all, i understand none of them.
as i sit here, writing, i know that i could make my life more productive by studying for seva, mapada, or whatever. but what inspires you to do so? the need to pass? maybe! but that is incidental. one must be personally inclined to study. one of which is the realization that something good comes out of studying. i dont get that right now. plus, it hurts more to fail when you tried not to rather than knowing the fact that you are bound to fail anyway, so why bother? i dont think i can take anymore of this and still come out sane. relatively!

emotions abound. feelings too. thoughts and dreams and everything else. how does one understand onesself really? for without knowing ourselves, we are bound to remain as we are, with out progress. for what is there to progress from. how do you improve something which you cannot see, touch, smell, hear, or understand?

things are starting to come unglued. there is no stopping it now. the question now is, when will they all fall, and which ones will break?

but whatever happens, there is a little consolation:
theres always icecream and fries.

silence

words not spoken
in silence
spoke louder
silence
no talk
nothing
no life.

reference to post: feb 13, declaration


i am not saying that i am not willing to help people anymore. it is after all the epitome of life: service.

please if you have any requests of me, just tell me. if i cannot help, than at least let me find someone who can. let me be the judge of my availability to help you in your problems. after all, i will say no if i can no longer take it. i will always try to help.

read this from somewhere. its kinda interesting.

Is it a coincidence that this sort of thing happens to me all the time? Of course not. Karma brings people needing help to someone who goes out of their way to help people... the person who goes out of their way to help people "draws in" people who need help. We really DO attract into our lives people who need us or who we need... but, it ALSO brings us people who represent issues we need to resolve and lessons we need to show we've learned, so be a little careful when you meet someone and it feels like fate-there are all kinds of fate.

beginning to day... or something like it

beginning today,
i will change myself
i will change how i deal with others
i will change how i look at my life

to see the beauty in a common stone
to see the joy in the saddest gloom
to see the blessings in the midst of despair
to be at peace, at last

im getting complacent. ive lost interest in my classes. im getting ... i dont know! what?!
what is wrong with me these days! have no reason to be down. aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

i will just shut up now!



no i wont. this is by blog! who cares about you people? i will rant all i want. if you dont like it, LEAVE! i dont like you either. go, just go! leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont know what im doing! i go about from day to day expecting nothing and getting nothing. what are you doing with your life man? your wasting your time! if you have nothing to give, leave the world! get what i mean?

stop the world! i want to get off! i said stoooooooooop! wala. ayaw nya! ano ba talaga! alang kwentang buhay to oh! ano ba?! malas pa sa tanang malas!



what am i talking about?! lyfs just peachy! given normal conditions, i should have been very happy. my day would be great. i should be singing songs of joy and laughter.

but i am not normal. i am not happy. i dont know why.

its just me, i guess.

chronology of madness

no speech for english.
didnt show up in two of my classes for a week.
started coming late to all my classes
not passing assignments.
failed seva.
dili colored nga printer ang gipalit sa office.
didnt finish prototype, will probably miss prototype checking on thursday.
exam on cisco today, not yet read the lesson.
have not studied yet, feeling sleepy.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

more on this next tym na lang. :)