Reflections in passings

It is lonely away from home

The closeness and kinship

opportunities not taken,

begin to manifest themselves as wasted experiences

and life is filled with self-reproach

but it's too late now

and now amount of contrition would change that

 

but in the darkness of the days

a little light thus makes so much of a difference

for a single candle can light a huge cavern

this I experienced first hand a few days back

and the awesome power of a little light in a vast emptiness was readily apparent

and like tiny little lights in my darkness

various sources of hope emerged

 

most notable would probably be the fellowship,

which I first joined on the 11th of May, 2007

that day truly saved me

that and maybe the day just before that

when mark and I decided to have lunch together at Des' place

and she begrudingly accepted

the pleasure of simply a company of friends

tided the loneliness that have collected the past 2 months

 

I have to admit, I've never been one to need for attention or companionship

this skill I have learned on the 12 years I have been on an exclusive school

the richness and pompousness of the people I had to contend with

pretty much cleansed me of the want to be in company

not to say that I hated the people there

there were many there that were very good and decent

but in company, it takes but a single bad apple to ruin an otherwise perfect barrel

 

but since I have been to college

I have been surrounded by a myriad of friendships

I have been gifted by good friends giving me a true taste of what friendship should be

and for that I am thankful

but on that I have been dependent

call me old fashioned, but I believe in friend as friends for life

true friendship are with those you can be yourself with

and I have that, with my friends

and from that, I have found my love

 

but the almost two months that I have been here before the fellowship

was one of the most agonizing times of my life

true, there were some specks of hapiness here and there

but nothing in so far as I have grown accustomed to

until that fateful week

when I was invited to a simple meeting

 

at first when I saw the invitation to the meeting for the new york trip

I gloomed at the prospect of being forced to a fellowship meeting

I even came late to that, but it turned out that we were early

since everyone else was also late for various reasons

but when I experienced the power of such a gathering

I was amazed, there were people from various denominations of the Christian faith

and I did not feel any tension, everyone was welcome

and everyone was accepted

and I was happy to reflect on my life and my feelings at that moment

 

and one shared her heartaches, hardships and struggles of her life

and I realized how blessed I have been

and how blessed I still am, despite my incessant notions that I am not

and here is someone who appears to have had a harder life than me

and she still has the courage and faith to praise the lord

where in I could not

I was shamed

horrified

but I was touched

and the realization gave me a few days of remembrance

to try and be holy

 

paired with the blessing of companionship

I was not feeling so lonely anymore

then last thursday, we reflected on two bible passages

and I was struck by how close one of the passages hit me

with the loneliness somewhat gone

except of course for that of my girl

I was somewhat comfortable again

but the realization of my lack of skill in my training assignment hit me

and I was filled with worry and fear

 

but upon reflection on the words of john, chapter 3, verse 16

It dawned upon me that the worry upon me was unnecessary

Father God sent his son to die un the cross for our sins

and I believe that he will provide for me in due course

so the worry I am feeling is needless

it shows a lack of trust in faith

and I resolved to forego of my worries

and let the Lord figure it out

but instead, do what I can

just a few nights ago, I cried myself in prayer, realizing that I have been really and truly blessed my entire life

yet i still had the gall to be ungrateful

 

I know the Lord will provide

The past few weeks have been a terrific revelation for me

a spiritual revolution in a sense

I may not be sure how long this will last

specially on the absence of the fellowship that has showered me these blessings

but I will not worry about that

I will instead pray that the Lord continue to shower me with his blessings

just as he always have in my life

even when I refuse to accept it.

 

and I know I will remember

for a while at least

the beautiful people that have been blessings to me in my hour of need

mommy Rose, Des, Mark, Dindin, Jammy,

and the rest of the wonderful cast of neighbors in Residence Inn and Beaumont Farms

They shone a light in my darkness

and now I can see...

 

a little

 

and for a while

 

and I will remember

 

to you all,

 

I am grateful